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Remembering the Good

An Exercise in Healing

By Paige GraffunderPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

When I talk about my past relationships I usually end up talking about how they ended. Despite my attempts to always go forth in all things in kindness, most of my relationships have ended badly. So in talking about the ends only, I often am most frequently remembering the bad parts exclusively. I don't think that is a fair thing to do, either to myself, my audience, or the people I have loved. This maybe an exercise in futility, but it is a labor I am willing to complete for the sake of shedding some light on myself, my behaviors, and also to remember that despite how things ended each person that has come in and out of my life has been worthy of love, not just from me but from others as well.

I have changed the names of the people involved to protect their right to privacy.

Dear Jennifer,

Being with you was the first time I ever understood the concept of romantic love as a tangible thing. You were my first everything. First kiss, first time being naked around a person who wasn't in my family, first sexual experience, first heartbreak. Your smile was the only light in my life for a really long time. I will never forget the way the light turned your otherwise blonde hair red, or the way you wore red lipstick only when you were sad. You called it your armor. You were sick a lot, and you taught me the way that caring for another person could bring fulfillment to my life. Your voice carried wisdom far beyond your years, and I will never forget how perfectly your hand fit into mine. For the years that I was allowed to love you, with my young and over eager heart, I will be eternally grateful. Thank you for showing me that I am capable of loving, and that I deserved the love you sent back to me.

Dear Amy,

Complicated doesn't even begin to cover it. I loved you from the first. I loved how impulsive you were, how willing to dive head first into whatever came into your head, even when, in doing so it hurt me. I lied to my parents a lot for you, but I have never regretted it. It was worth it to spend 15 more minutes with you while the paths of our lives allowed it. Thank you.

Dear Christy,

I was the one who was wrong. I treated you badly, and I made dumb mistakes. You taught me that routine and self control were not always bad things. You didn't laugh as freely as I did, but it made hearing you laugh worth so much more to me. I still think about the way you gave things nicknames that were in equal parts adorable and self deprecating. I love the love you have for your siblings, and the way that you always put your family first, even when they did not return the favor. I shared more inside jokes with you than I ever did with any other person. To you I owe so much more than a thank you, and I hope you know how sorry I am for my youthful ignorance, in the way that I behaved. You were not wrong, I was.

Dear Elisa,

Our time together was brief, and ended awkwardly, but I will never forget the summer spent in a whirlwind with you. I will never forget the way you drank beer room temperature, or your brief barking laugh. Your eyes were so soulful, and you're still the best person I've ever made out with in a bathroom. Thank you for sharing your time with me, even if it was brief.

Dear Jay,

You were everything that was good and right for me, and I didn't realise my own hang ups about everything that happened. I was unprepared when you transitioned. I was caught up in my own identity, and to you, I also owe an apology. But I had some of the best moments of my life with you. Hookah bars, and car shopping, house hunting, and playing cards. You always took care of me, and I should have taken better care of you. I know that you are happier now in your new life, and I am so glad for you. I will forever miss drinking margaritas by your mom's pool and the way you would get so impassioned about things. I have never met a more dedicated person in my life, and I am glad to have shared some of my life with you. Thank you.

Dear Allyah,

Thank you for the reminder to let things go sometimes. You handled every problem we ever faced with such grace and dignity. You never let me suffer in my anxiety and always approached me with understanding. I never knew what it was like to be hugged by someone with their whole body until you. Your laugh is so perfect, and surprising a cackle out of you was the best part of many of my days. Thank you for never taking yourself or me too seriously to talk me out of jumping in the lake in September, and for always saying yes when I begged for one more game of cards.

Take some time and remember the reasons that made the time spent with past lovers worth spending. Don't let it make you wistful, you are not with them for a reason. Let this only serve as proof that sometimes you receive lessons in places where you thought you were teaching.

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About the Creator

Paige Graffunder

Paige is a published author and a cannabis industry professional in Seattle. She is also a contributor to several local publications around the city, focused on interpersonal interactions, poetry, and social commentary.

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