Running Away

What did I do? Did I do something so wrong that I don’t deserve the things other people around me have? No, I don’t mean material things. I mean love and loyalty. I need someone who loves and trusts me with their life. I want to be someone’s everything and I know that if I were just given the chance, I could be everything they want and need. But no one wants to give me that chance. I’m not pretty enough, too weird, too easy. People want what they can’t have. That explains why I can’t have this, and why nobody wants me. It’s the same situation over and over where I’m ready to finally be that person, but every time I end up getting hurt. I know I’m young and I should wait, but I don’t want to. But I have to because at this very moment there is no one like that for me. Every moment that goes by is waiting, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Even freezing time wouldn’t work. If I freeze time, everything would be stuck and motionless and not going any further. Isn’t that what this is about? Going further I mean. Waiting hurts, especially when you have constant reminders of what you can’t have. That happy couple a few feet away begin to annoy the living daylight out of you.

So now you’re in darkness and even there that couple cuddling up in bed about to go to sleep (or other things) are killing you too. You can’t win. People say you’re never alone, but you are. You are, and there are reminders of that too. That old man sitting at the park alone watching all the happy people walk by, possibly reminiscing about a time when they had that life too, makes you wonder if they have any family left. Was he ever married or in love? What happened? Is she still alive? Did he have kids? Why aren’t they sitting next to him on that bench instead of leaving him all to himself? Is there anyone to take care of him if need be? And who does he talk to? Perhaps I’m not quite as lonely as someone like that, but I’m sure if things keep going this way, I will end up like that. Then again, say I do find somebody one day down the line. What if they die first? I’ll be alone again and not only will I be missing a feeling that as of now I don’t know I’ve ever really had, but I’ll be missing the person who changed my life. If I lose the person who stood with me and made other people cringe at how loving we are, and the person who picked me up when I needed it, I honestly don’t know how’d I’d make it through the night. I guess I’m just weak that way. But then again, what if I die first? Sure, I won’t feel the pain of losing my other half, but would I really want to put them through all that? I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I myself dread. There it is again: You just can’t win. No matter what you do, someone gets hurt. There’s only one way, but it’s extremely hard to plan out. I’m still in the process. If you’re too careless or too quick, someone gets hurt. You have to effectively run away in order to run away. You have to run away and hide away to get out. Cover your tracks and make sure every knows you care. Make sure they don’t suspect a thing, and NO ONE can know where you are.