Sadness

Have you ever been having a good day only to come home and have your heart and soul shattered by four words? Have you ever felt the excruciating pain of feeling your heart disintegrate inside your chest? Trust me when I tell you, it is not a pleasant feeling. It does not feel good to come home from work and have your husband tell you he wants a divorce. The tidal wave of emotion that runs through you so hard and so fast that even your fingertips tingle. Like electricity is going to start sparking off of your digits.

How do you cope? How do you look at the love of your life, the person who vowed to stay by your side forever, who promised to never leave you, never hurt you, and try to comprehend the situation? How do you deal with all the self-doubt, the self-loathing, all the fucked up feelings that run through your mind?

And then you try. You change. Circumstances change, feelings change, reality hits. You’ve had your epiphany moment! You hope above all hope that the changes will be returned but all you get is disappointment, hurt, anger, heartache, and sadness. The feeling of being replaced, being ignored, being unloved and unwanted. Torn between not wanting to let go and wanting to let go at the same time. Pushing yourself every day to not break down. Not explode in anger, because that is not the type of person you are. You know you deserve more. More, not better, because you know there is no one better. No one that you will ever love as much as him. No one will ever make you feel a love as deep as the deepest parts of the ocean. Unexplored depths because the love you have for him is so pure, so powerful. Your soulmate. You put your faith in the universe because the universe brought you together in the first place. You try to keep a positive attitude because you know that what you put out comes back. You keep telling yourself that if it’s meant to be then he will make his way back to you, but you’re impatient. You don’t want to wait but you know you have to. You have no choice. It seems like all choice is taken from you.

You also start to realize that one day, he won’t be there, and you will be alone. You’re not scared to be alone. You don’t want to be without him. That is when you need to be at your strongest because if you’re not, you will crumble and everything inside of you will die. Or it will feel that way. You won’t get to see his face, or put your arms around him, or feel the touch of his skin. And that’s ok because you know that one day there might be someone who will make you smile. Who will make you laugh. Who will hold your hand and appreciate you and tell you that they do. And most importantly, they will show you. Every part of you is telling you to fight. Fight for what you want. Fight for the one you love. Don’t give up. Do not go gentle into that good night. Back up your words with your actions. You try and try to push through every day even though there isn’t any reciprocation. Focus on you. Do things for yourself because at this point you are the only one caring about you. At least that’s the way it feels. Even as the tears run down your face as you write this, you tell yourself to be strong. Stand tall. Don’t give up because when you do, you know that’s when the pain will come. Pain deeper than you have ever felt before, it will overshadow the pain you are feeling now. The pain will cut deeper than any knife. The pain will bruise harder than any stone. The emptiness inside of you will be so profound you’ll worry that you might absorb the entire solar system.

When you love someone so completely and accept them as a whole, flaws and all, you’d do anything to see them smile. To hear them laugh. Then you have to fight against the rage inside of you at the thought of someone else doing that. Someone that is not you.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” What they don’t say is that love is also like a flower, and should be treated as such.

Mistakes were made. Lessons were learned from those mistakes. It hurts when it feels like it’s one sided though. Changes have been applied to those lessons. We are all human, we are all flawed. You know you will wait. How long? No one has the answer to that. You will continue to listen to songs whose lyrics touch something. You will watch movies that will make you cry. You will watch movies that should make you laugh, but instead, they will make you cry. You will fight every moment of every day to search for a sliver of happiness. You push through and fake smile at everyone and nod when they ask if you’re ok, because you feel that if you open your mouth you will start to scream. And never stop.