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Sanity on Mute

My patience is wearing thin.

By Jessa MaePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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There comes a time every now and then where you begin to reflect on the recent and not so recent past. For some people, things seem to go in a chronological order, but for people like me, they are just jumbled racing thoughts that seem to point out the worst. They seem to have no beginning and no end, and in most cases, they repeat over and over until the very last bit of sanity is not necessarily gone, but isn't able to be heard because all the chaotic noise of everything that has turned out unfavorably is drowning it out.

Sure, I've heard my fair share of the "move ons" and "get over its", but some people are stronger than others, and for me it’s not that simple. My biggest weakness, and also my biggest strength, is that I care way too much. Not to say that I care about what everyone thinks, because in most cases I don't. I care about how everyone FEELS, and the impact I may or may not make on them. Empathy is a hell of a thing, a sickness almost. I don't really take the time to care about how I feel. Everyone else is always put first, and I always end up in some sort of pain. I always used to say “I’d rather hurt myself than hurt someone else” and although I don’t want to admit it, I still somewhat live up to that saying.

I can never seem to think about forgetting everyone else even for a split second to just focus on protecting myself. I've become so blind that I actually trick myself into thinking that one day someone will repay me, that someone will care for me just as much as I care for them, but it has never happened. After all the times I've tried to let someone in and care about me, they always leave for one reason or another. Is there something wrong with me? What's the point of having faith in someone else if every time I get let down? It's not that I don't want to have faith, but if the same thing happens every time that I do, what is going to make me believe that it's actually possible? People say that I should be patient, but I don't know. My patience is wearing thin.

I’m learning to put myself first at times. I bend over backwards for other people so often, I’m surprised I haven’t snapped in half yet. But instead of hoping for the best in everyone, I keep reminding myself that some people just do not deserve that special treatment. Unless someone has shown me that they are willing to put in the same effort for me, I will not go out of my way for them. Of course, I’m still willing to do people favors and help them out, I’m not that bad of a friend, but as soon as I sense someone taking advantage of me and my caring nature, it’s time to pull the plug and move on.

Saying no to people is still a struggle for me, but it’s a skill everyone needs in their arsenal. For me, this is a journey of self-improvement in more than one way. I’m learning to say no when I REALLY don’t want to do something, and I’ve realized that I need to make time for myself and put myself first sometimes. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way in the past, but fortunately, it’s not too late to start putting myself first, at least most of the time.

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