Saying Goodbye

I want to start by saying that you’re special to me. You’re one of the only people who I wouldn’t mind losing sleep over, one of the only people who I can never get tired of talking to, who crosses my mind constantly throughout the day, so much so that I truly believe you're burned into it. You’re the only one who can make me smile without trying and every action of yours can change my day entirely. I can’t explain just how much you mean to me, you’re the only one I’m afraid of losing, and even entertaining that thought brings me to tears.

Once I get attached, I’m loyal. I’m faithful and dependable, I’m caring, but do you know what comes with that? I’m jealous, clingy, annoying, over-protective, emotional, and crazy. You push me away but I still come back to you. You make me so angry, but I can never stay mad at you. You lie to me but every single time I still try to trust you. You keep making mistakes, but in the end, I’ll forgive you. You could even make me hate you, but I will find a way to start loving you all over again. Do you know why? Because the ones who love you will never leave you, and even if there are hundreds of reasons to give up, they will find one reason to hold on. You know, I am not the type of person to give up on someone. Yes, sometimes I get really mad and upset so I need minute to cool off, but I’d never abandon you. I don’t leave people. And I think that’s why it always hurts so badly when people leave me. That’s the thing about love though, isn’t it? You’ll let them get away with murder, even if it’s your own.

I was so deeply in love with you. It blinded me. I became the person I feared most by accepting the love I was given, not the love I wanted and deserved. I made so many excuses for you, and gave you one too many chances, even though I knew you didn’t deserve them. I put your needs before my own and looking back on that now, I am ashamed. I am ashamed I let myself stoop so low.

There is a part of me that is desperate to know if my leaving has done any damage to you, that there is a any possibility that you experience long restless nights due to the thought of me, and that your heart is broken in the same places as mine. I want to know that I’m not the only one hurting from this, that I actually meant something to you. I have finally realized that trying to love you was like trying to breathe while being pulled into a riptide, the water filling my lungs, and I had given up on trying to get to the surface. I focused so hard on what I wanted, I lost sight of what I deserved.

I’m willing to compromise when it comes to many things—but not love. Not love. I’ve done that too many times and it’s taught me exactly what I want, and what I don’t want. And listen, it’s not like the type of love I want is from a fairytale. The love I want is a very real thing. It’s out there, and it has nothing to do with posting pictures or dropping everything to answer text messages immediately that aren’t even urgent—that is high school to me. What I want in love is respect—even when arguments arise. I never want to cry my eyes out until I’m sick because of an argument again.

I want a love that has commitment, tenderness, laughter, playfulness, passion, morals, and above all else is always felt. Never again do I ever want to have to question whether or not the man that I am giving all of myself to loves me. And never again will I ever entertain a man who tells me that I’m asking for too much. But things work out, you know? Even if it doesn’t feel okay for a long time, or even if it feels like things will never be okay again, everything works out in the end. Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay then it simply is not the end.

I’m slowly learning that goodbye doesn’t have to hurt, but what hurts is clinging to the past. I’m slowly learning to let go of the things I need to and the people who are no longer meant for me. I’m slowly learning to stand still when someone walks away instead of chasing the, that the right people will be the ones that stay. I’m learning to not analyze my reflection, thinking maybe there was something I didn't have, or something I did wrong, but understanding the difference between being good enough for someone and being right enough for them. I’m slowly learning there are some mistakes I can’t change and some people that might not forgive me, but that shouldn’t stop me from forgiving myself and trying to move forward, that sometimes the best thing to do, is learn. And I think I’m going to love you for a long, long time, but I also think it’s time to say goodbye.

I think it’s time I let you go and that’s so hard to do because some part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life, but the daydreaming, the running in place, it’s not healthy for either of us. So this is me doing what I should have done months ago: saying goodbye. I will always care for you, even if we’re not together, and even if we’re far, far away from each other. I hope one day I’ll pop up in your head and you’ll think, “I shouldn’t have let her go.” I don’t hate you, I love you, but loving you is killing me. So this is goodbye, even if I don’t want it to be. I won’t lie, it’s hard to say goodbye. It’s one of those things that won’t get easier with time. There will always be the nights where I toss and turn, wishing you were by my side, the days where all I want is to tell you all about what happened. Those are through, at least for now, over for us. So thank you. Thank you for the friendship, thank you for the smiles. Thank you for the love you showed me, even though it was only for a while. So much of me is made from what I learned from you. Until we meet again, this is my goodbye.