Self-Acceptance and Shifting Sexuality

I REMEMBER that first dream. The one that confirmed my fear that I might have more than just a simple *ahem* appreciation for other boys. That dream stabbed a hole in my attempt at living in denial that my 13-year-old-self was crushing super hard on Kyle Shawn (an actor from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide) and I was totally freaked out!

It was going to be okay, though. I mean, I was attracted to both so I didn't have to live in denial. Right? I didn't have to "come out." I could just live out the girl-loving side of me. I was in the clear and no one would have to know. "You have a choice that some don't... you're lucky!" I would tell myself. "Just feed the one and not the other, and eventually it will just go away."

Isn't that typical human thinking? "If I focus on girls, I'll forget about boys," or "If I get a spouse, I won't be lonely anymore." It's the ongoing delusion that acquiring one thing will eliminate the burning void elsewhere. And we are always mistaken...

FAST FORWARD 14 years. Multiple female crushes, one and a half girlfriends, and a misplaced virginity have had little effect on the confusing and convoluted desires that lie beneath the surface. The freaked out 13-year-old boy has found himself grown into a freaked out 27-year-old man.

Over time, as I went through the various shifting seasons of life and gained experience, I soon found sexuality shifting more from one side to the other. Being able to ignore this element of my being became less and less something I could brush aside or pretend does not exist.

Eventually I could not deny what I felt and experienced anymore. The secret was a poison killing me from the inside out and I had to throw up the truth if I was to survive. Now I sit here as a 32 year old, glad that I spoke up; that I let my closest friends know about what was tormenting my homophobically-conditioned soul.

THEY SAY that sexuality is a spectrum and that it can shift over the course of one's life. It's not clean cut one or the other. I guess I'm proof of the validity of that theory.

It's been both liberating and terrifying to experience as I try my damnedest to accept myself. I've slowly told people, waiting to see if they abandon me or love me regardless of my bisexual desires. I have yet to be rejected. In fact, I've been met with more love and acceptance than I had even before I shared my "deep, dark secret."

I don't know if I will end up with a man or woman. I don't know what the will happen once I finally tell my uber-conservative Christian family about it.

Funny thing is that I am still a Christian. That hasn't changed. In fact, I think I've become more devout and more of what a Christian should be because of my recent change of perspective and my move towards accepting this part of me.

I know that one cannot grow to his or her fullest potential if they are unwilling to accept themselves for who and what they are.

IT IS THERE, at the place of self-acceptance, where love and compassion are sparked to life. When we look into ourselves and see the harsh and the cold, the bright and the beautiful, and accept both then we are able to look into the eyes of humanity and say "I love you."

If you are there, take comfort, my friend, in knowing that you are not alone. Your confusion and fear are normal but they are also illusions. Look into yourself and see the beauty of who you are and dare to accept yourself. Dare to be you.