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She Left Me

I never thought this day would come.

It was a Saturday. I was upstairs. My wife came up and she asked me to come downstairs. When I got to the living room, my parents were there. My wife said that they were going to take me to their home in another city for a few weeks while she and our kids had a break from me. I have mental illness and due to other life circumstances, I was not doing quite as well as I would have liked. So, it seemed like she just wanted a breather and then we would get together in a few weeks' time and work on patching things up. 

The next day, as my parents and I took the eight hour drive to my old hometown, I was in an absolute daze. How did this happen? I didn't realize that things were quite as bad as they were. And I had a feeling of dread. I felt that this was it. I was never going to be going back. She was breaking up with me. I wanted to take her at face value and believe that we would be back together in a few weeks and work at being stronger than we have ever been before. But, deep down, I knew this wasn't going to happen. 

And, sadly, I was right. She sent me an email a few days later telling me that it was all over, that she no longer wanted to be my wife, that she no longer trusted me with her inner self and her emotions. Even though I knew that this was to be expected, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I barely remember what exactly happened. It was just so overwhelming. I was in shock. I still am. This was a month and a half ago now. Just before Halloween, in fact. It is now mid-December. And the shock has not worn off. 

How did this happen? How did we get to this point?? I know that because of my Bipolar Disorder, I can be a very difficult person to be with, sadly. It led me to, at times, be a controlling person, someone who gets easily upset, who has unpredictable mood swings and can have a lot of obsessive thoughts. Over all, I'm a difficult person. I know that. And I know it has been a strain on our relationship at times. But I had no idea we were at the point where she was ready to leave me. I just didn't know. 

And it all happened before Halloween, my oldest son's birthday, my birthday, and, possibly worse out of all of them... Christmas. 

Now, here I am at such a special time of the year where we had developed many little family traditions over the 14 years we were together, and I am alone. I still have the boys who come over. But, as a family? It's all gone. I was kicked out of the house. I have found an apartment nearby. But the house that I lived in for six years now is no longer my home. I no longer am in the house where we had Christmas trees, milk and cookies, Christmas movies, and all kinds of holiday fun. I'm in an apartment, basically alone. I do not feel like decorating for Christmas. I can't even listen to Christmas music. I am just still in a shocked daze. I believe now Christmas has become my most hated of holidays. 

Of course, I am now in the throes of a deep depression. As my doctor said, however, it's very natural—that even people without Bipolar Disorder would easily become depressed when a major life event like this happens.

The problem is, I love my wife so much. I tried very much to show her that during our relationship. But it would appear that the bad stuff outweighed the good stuff for her and she felt she could no longer do it. She could no longer deal with the person that I wish I wasn't but am. 

So, now what? My life, for 14 years, has been centered around our relationship and marriage. She has been my best friend as well as my wife. And now? It's over. She doesn't want to work on patching it up. She just wants it to be over. And now, I am in the process of grieving for a relationship that has been lost. I'm grieving for the end of our family. I'm grieving for the loss of the life I knew, my home, my vehicle, my world. And it's hard.

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