She Speaks

Everyone on this god forsaken planet was given a voice. Some can’t figure out how to use it, for the life of them. Others don’t know when to stop using it, and listen. I suppose I follow under both categories, or directly in the middle. At least that’s where I think I would be placed. Growing up I was the youngest of four children, there was enough talking going around that anything I said was quickly disregarded or ignored and yet they wonder why I’m so “introverted.” I have a lot to say, I do. A lot goes through my mind, but more so complex thoughts and deeper conversations than just daily chit chat topics.

You see, I’ve been through a lot. But of course, everyone has. Good or bad, a lot is just a lot. I’ve spent twenty years on this planet, of course I’ve been through a lot. Heartbreak, repeatedly. Loss of friendships, also repeatedly. Loss of people just in general. I also can’t help but feel that when I lost everything, I lost myself. But no worries, I’m building from the ground up. I’m renewing myself. Becoming better than I ever was before. I had to lose in order to know what I can do in the future to win. This is my story, this is my life, my heart, who I was and who I hope to become.

I was the girl who sat alone. I was that girl who listened to insults. I was that girl who blamed herself for mistakes others made. Which was a mistake I made. Someone else’s actions, no matter how they impact you, are never your own fault. Remember that. You do not control them. They are their own person, they have their own views, morals, goals... Most importantly, you can’t change a person. They have to want to change for them self. All you can do, is support them.

This took me my whole adult life, so far, to learn. People don’t have the same heart as you. They don’t think the same way you think. I grew up with an innocent heart. I thought everyone fell in love and lived happily ever after. I was naïve. Plain and simple, I was a child for as long as someone can be a child. By child I mean someone who only sees good in the world. Someone who hasn’t felt heartache. Someone who believes what they’re told, no questions asked. I lost this innocence at seventeen. I firmly believe something in me broke that day. It was the first time I had been cheated on, and for years after that, I was a controlling compulsive girlfriend. I didn’t trust any girls, when really I chose to stay with a boy who never loved me as much as I loved him. Maybe didn’t even love me at all back then.

Can you guess who said the “L word” first? It was me. And I meant it. But when he said it, I think it was just a reflex. Maybe he said back because he thought I’d be mad if he didn’t. All I know is he didn’t love when I loved him. You don’t hurt the people you love. You don’t jeapordize losing them if you really love them. I made the mistake of staying every time he cheated. He made the mistake of falling in love with me after he has killed me. Maybe “killed” seems too powerful of a word to use. Let me further explain...

Three long, crazy, emotional years. That’s how long I stayed. When we finally split, was because he kept cheating. Especially with one girl, and she tormented me in high school. Name calling, shoving, pushing, stepping on the back of my shoes, flipping me off, dirty looks, all from this girl.

I never defended myself. I let her make my life miserable. Why? I didn’t want him to leave. I convinced myself if I did ANYTHING to this girl, we were done.

I can’t tell you why she hates me. I mean obviously because she was his “side” and I was his girlfriend. But the whole time, all I could think was “if she just knew me, she wouldn’t be treating me this way. We’d be really good friends.”

Idiotic, right? This girl tortured me for years, and this was all I thought about her.

Honestly speaking, I regret not defending myself. Whether it had been vocal or physical, and if who I am today could take place of who I was at seventeen, I would not have been pushed around.

Who I am is not who I was. I use to be such a push over. I changed so quickly.

Fast forward from all the high school drama, three years. Twenty years old. We are no longer together. You gave that girl everything. I say everything because you let me go, gave her what you had physically and emotionally, and when you told me what you did, just days after we broke up, it killed me inside. There is no other way I could word it. “Kill” is the perfect term.

I use to be so happy, without having to think about it. Now? I have to make my own happiness. Once I started doing that, you came back.