Should I Be Dating My Ex?

Before you judge me and answer that question with a violent "NO," please know that I AM WEAK.

With that being said, here's the juicy story...

I got engaged last year to my boyfriend of one and a half years and the engagement lasted an entire one and a half weeks—literally.

I am turning 23 soon, and I have always known what I want out of life—well, sort of. I was happy to marry young, have children in my youth, and live out my wildest dreams when I’m borderline 40. I wanted the cute little house, a small business, and basically, to just live a modest life with my little happy family. Most importantly, I wanted someone to grow with.

The truth is I had always known he was unfaithful; I always just assumed he'd grow out of it, fall into love, become loyal... change. Because that's what girls want from the men they love. But he didn't.

Long story short: We broke up, and I guess we both started seeing other people, except he went back to his ex and I started dating again. I hated every minute of it. Of having to compromise my standards, my being, and what I like and explain why when asked what I don't like. I got sick of it all—especially the blatant disrespect—and I started to feel really lonely and, of course... I missed my ex.

I keep feeling like the unfamiliar is so foreign and monstrous to me that I would rather go back to him than deal with "the streets." I know it in my heart that he is still seeing his ex (or some other girl) because that's what he did when we were together and, given the freedom, that's what he did when we broke up. Why would he change now?

But deep down inside me there lives this foolish romantic who believes that if I return to him on my knees and treat him differently—give him space when he needs it, spoil him more, be more attentive and even more understanding, be kind, be honest, be a better, refined version of myself—that this time, he'll choose me.

Stupid, right?

So, should I be dating my ex? Because I feel as though, had I not known about his infidelity and insane imperfections, that I would have been the happiest woman on Earth. Because on most days, I felt love from him like nothing I've had before. And before you say I am "still young" and have "plenty of time" to find something else, tell me this: What if this is it for me? What if I never feel like this for someone ever again? WHAT IF all I have to do is fight a little longer to be happy forever and a day?