Signs

I was water. He was air. On the surface, we seemed to be good for each other. There’s always calm before the storm. There are always signs, too. See, people have this idea of air. Like the wind is only a cool breeze on a sunny summer day. And people also have this idea of water. Waves gently crashing against the shore at sunrise and sunset. Caressing the sand. But nothing good comes from water and air. The calm can be deceptive. His calm was very deceiving. I was water, and he was air. At first, he felt good. Gentle. His smile was like a cool breeze on a sunny summer day. And at first, I was calm. Just like the waves gently crashing against the shore at sunset. But when he raged, so did I. He would stir me until a hurricane formed in my ocean and came ashore to destroy everything in its path. Not even the eye was calm. Sometimes it was worse. Sometimes I would hold the pain in until it erupted in seismic waves that made my waters retreat in what seemed like defeat only to rush in and cause destruction. I came with a warning, but it was too late. I only wished we had paid attention to the signs.

The most difficult thing about my relationship ending wasn’t that it ended. It was the unsolicited commentary. “That wasn’t right.” “Everyone deserves a second chance.” “He was such a nice guy.” Yet, they had no idea. None. And it was disappointing. Because for the first time in my life, I had finally found the courage to protect my peace—and I felt like I had started a war. The craziest thing about it is that he knew. He knew what he had done; what we had done. And he took full responsibility for his destruction. We were good. But wind doesn’t say anything. After the storm, people only pay attention to the damage that the water caused. Because floodwater lingers. Wind disappears.

I don’t regret it at all. But I won’t pretend like it was easy. He was my best friend. We did everything together. So it hurt to let him go. He told me he just needed one more chance; that he needed me. But I needed myself more. And I won't apologize for choosing me. Now that I’ve learned to prioritize myself, I refuse to settle ever again. I don’t even like the concept of settling down because it implies that I have to settle. And I won’t do it. Because I don’t have to. I guess society has this idea of what a young woman should be or aspire to be. Quite frankly, I don’t care what society idealizes. I don’t feel like I need a man for anything. There’s nothing on this Earth a man can give me that I can’t give myself, except the obvious. But right now, at the age of 22, I’m content with being single for the rest of my life if being with someone means I have to settle. Now that I’ve experienced just the smallest taste of peace, it’s not something I want to give up.

So, I guess this is for the woman (or anyone) who is tired of settling. Young and old. I just want everyone to realize how amazing and powerful they can be when they are at peace. It’s a beautiful thing that I hope everyone experiences in their lifetime. Please don’t settle. Pay attention to signs. Peace.