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Back in the day, I had gone on a date with a guy who we'll call Max. Max seemed to be a good-ish guy with a lot of issues when it came to both manners and behavior — many of which ended up becoming very apparent when I sat down with him.
You see, Max was very loud. He also had a tendency to try to psychoanalyze me and even took notes on my insecurities (literally) during lunch. Despite asking me questions, he never let me finish and often would just start talking even when it was clear I was bored.
His voice was so loud that most of the restaurant cleared out before he had decided it was time to order. I shot the waiters a "save me" look but to no avail. That ended up being our first and last date.
He actually seemed really shocked to find out I was not interested, even though my self-esteem is notoriously low. The truth was that he was blissfully unaware that he had made an ass out of himself during the date.
From my experience, most people don't realize when they're coming off as rude, boorish, creepy, or otherwise unattractive. We tend to see ourselves as the hero of our own stories, which makes it hard for us to be objective when it comes to our actions. This, in turn, makes it hard for us to think we could ever be the *GASP* jerk.
Do you know when you're making an ass out of yourself on a date? Even if you think you do, it might be wise to read this list and refresh yourself on the signs that your behavior might be putting people off.
Your date looks bored, or is looking at other people pretty frequently.
A bored date or a date who is shooting waiters a "help me" look is one of the most obvious signs that you're making an ass out of yourself. People don't look bored for no reason, nor do they try to non-verbally plead for an escape route "just because."
If you notice your date looking bored, try to ask them a question about themselves and actively listen to them. Converse with them about things other than yourself.
If you notice your date giving waitings a look of distress, looking at others around you, or just otherwise shutting down, quietly ask if you're doing something that is upsetting them. If they say yes, apologize and ask if they want to wrap up the date.
Be apologetic if this has happened during your date. In most cases, this sign suggests that you're making an ass out of yourself — or you've done something that just made them immediately lose interest.
You insulted your date, berated their gender, or otherwise lashed out at them.
Relationships and dating are hard — very hard. There will be times where you hate your gender, the opposite sex, as well as potential dates out there. I ought to know; I'm pretty sure I'm notorious for hating certain genders because of how they treated me in the dating scene.
As bad as dating can be, there's really no excuse for insulting people, lashing out in anger because they didn't immediately fall for you, or just beating the sex you're interested in.
This behavior is abusive and sends the worst possible message about who you are as a person. If you think it's okay, or that you can excuse this behavior by saying "I was just so angry," you're wrong. This is one of the clearest signs you're making an ass out of yourself, and that you need to change the way you see people.
When you behave this way with people, it alienates you from people. People also remember when you lash out at them in anger or berate them, which means that they will always keep that in mind when they see you.
Moreover, people also talk. If word gets out that you lash out in anger at people, people will quickly start avoiding you altogether. In other words, this is social suicide on a number of fronts.
If you see yourself unable to control your rage, take a step back and gather yourself up. Stop dating, and sort yourself out. You're making an ass out of yourself, and you can definitely be better than that.
People never seem to want to have a second date, or even hang out with you more than once.
A good indicator that you're making an ass out of yourself is how often people will hang out with you once — and never choose to meet with you again. Actually, how often people avoid you can also be a great indicator of what's going on.
Though everyone has one-offs, a pattern of never having people willingly keep relationships with you for as long as three months suggests it's not them, but you. This is especially true if they don't feel comfortable with inviting you to places, even after you ask them.
If this is the case in your life, you might want to ask people what the deal is. In most cases, someone will end up speaking up. What you might hear may not be easy for you to digest, but it may give you an idea of if you're being a jerk.
As you get older, making friends becomes harder. Most people want new friends as they get older, so if you notice this happening in your late 20s and 30s, then you may have problems you need to hash out.
You get the unnerving feeling that people are afraid to actually say what's on their mind around you.
Speaking up about your opinions isn't easy, especially if you're the type of person who avoids confrontation in a relationship. However, most people are alright with actually saying what's on their mind if someone hurts their feelings or if they are just not feeling something.
If you never hear any sort of complaints or disagreements, there's a good chance that you're making an ass out of yourself. This is because people around you may be afraid to say anything near you out of fear of how you'll react.
If you were honest with yourself, you know you push dates to do stuff they aren't comfortable with — and at times, you don't accept no as an answer.
You're making an ass out of yourself if you think that boundary-pushing is ever okay. This sign also indicates that you might not actually see people as people, but rather as a means to an end.
People are not toys or objects that you should manipulate into doing things for you. Your dates are not characters in a Disney movie that have no feelings but are just "scripted" to please you or make your life better.
Imagine if people treated you the way you treat them — especially people who you aren't attracted to. You probably would feel very uncomfortable, wouldn't you? That's what you're doing to them. Isn't that awful?
Unsurprisingly, when people have their boundaries pushed, they often end up leaving the person who does this to them. So, yes, this might be why you're alone, too.
Learn to take no for an answer, and stop doing things that obviously aren't making your dates comfortable.
Multiple dates have asked you to quiet down, or to stop doing a specific thing.
A good way to see if you're making an ass of yourself is to see if people have actively pulled you aside to ask you to behave better — or if multiple dates have asked you to lower your voice a little. If your behavior or manners were way out of line, you may have even had people cut a date short.
Typically, this is something that people only do when you're making a scene. Do not be the person who makes a scene, because that means you are just kind of making yourself look unhinged, socially unaware, or otherwise just an embarrassment to be around.
If this has happened multiple times, you may want to learn how to control your voice (or behavior) better through professional help. There are programs that can help you, and that can make things a million times better for you.
You've ghosted people, bailed mid-date without actually telling them the date is over, called dates fat, flirted with others during dates, or stood dates up.
There are certain things that people who are decent human being just don't do in the dating scene. If you ghost people, bail mid-date while leaving them thinking you're coming back, or do any other major no-no's, you're making an ass out of yourself.
In fact, if you do these things, you're not just appearing like a jerk — you're being one.
Though I can't convince people to actually care about others, I can tell you that treating others this atrociously will give you a bad reputation.
Whether you like it or not, the dating scene is often a place where karma is very real. What comes around, goes around, and if you think you're exempt from this, you're not. Behaving this way also will burn bridges with others, and more often than not, will come back to bite you.
People have told you that you overshare, or that you act crazy on dates.
Oversharing is a good indicator that you're making an ass of yourself to others. On a logical level, oversharing may seem like a good way to air out dirty laundry before you get with someone — but in reality, it just raises a million dating red flags to others.
Everyone has a little crazy, but you can't just unload it all on people immediately. Let it show a little at a time, and you will probably have a lot more success in dating.
People regularly turn their heads to look at you talking to your date.
Last but not least, this is one of those signs you're making an ass out of yourself that you might not notice immediately. This is because, a lot of times, we don't actually think to look around us when we act a fool.
I've been there, and I've also seen footage of how I was acting when I was being an asshole to someone. When you go back and look at the way you're acting, it often becomes clear why people are turning their heads to look at you.
If you notice people turning to stare at you, you might want to be a little quieter — and maybe look at what you're saying, too.