Silence

You’re not around when I need you to be and I can’t help but feel it’s a repeat. Soon you’ll be gone for a week with no contact and it’ll be like the silence has engulfed me. I’ll be on my own and fighting by myself, but I guess that’s how I’ve been these past few weeks anyway. Waking up, biting my lip, putting on a fake smile so you don’t think I’m sad all the time. Keeping my days busy because you just happen to disappear within a blink of an eye. I understand you’re spending time with family and you are busy but those words keep lingering in my head of the promise you made to be there for me and protect me. I guess this distance has made those words mean nothing. I anticipated this and prepared myself, or at least I thought I did, but in reality… I’ve never struggled more. I have no one to talk to and those who I can have conversations with only awaken once I close my eyes to sleep. The nightmares come more often now but at least they keep me company and thinking about something else other than missing you during the long and cold days.

It’s hard enough being up here in Scotland, when I was supposed to be in sunny weather, holding my mother after a year of not seeing her, earning some money while decorating cupcakes, working on my music with my guitar that I’ve not had for a year, visiting my old school and talking to future graduates about what awaits them once they throw their caps into the air, and even playing volleyball and sports to better my health. I am missing out on all these opportunities and more, and instead I sit here in this dark living room with a coffee table as a workplace to keep myself occupied. I try my best to go outdoors when the weather permits me and sometimes even when it’s raining to down more weight onto me than I need. I walked to the stationary store and had someone smile at me and offer to help. It was so comforting to talk to someone other than the two people who wonder around this house living their lives and being entertained. I walked in the rain and thought about that smile I had, the only one I’ve had today. I shut the door behind me and started preparing for my second year of university and telling myself that I wasn’t doing it to keep busy but rather to be ahead of the game and understand what I’m studying before I get confused.

I guess when I start my job tomorrow I’ll be occupied enough to forget that you’re not really around. That even when you find the time to call me, your family needs something or they ask if you’re talking to me and I feel guilty for tearing you away from them. You’re there to visit your family and I’m not being helpful. But I need someone. No one seems to understand how badly I need someone to be around so that this life isn’t consumed with silence and sadness and providing me even more reason to not exist. I’m not saying that anyone should be obligated to monitor me or anything, but I am saying that I miss the company. I used to have my ex boyfriend live with me and make me smile but even he disappeared after some time. Now I sit here on this grey couch, feeling as colourless as the piece of furniture that holds me. It holds me. But I wish you were the one holding me instead.