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Single State of Mind

Don't ever settle darling, you are not dust!

Painting by Jorge Lujan

I think when I look back at my life, I have always been single. During my teen years, I befriended guys so I could figure them out so that I wouldn't be "played." I was obsessed with outsmarting boys; a relationship wouldn't have worked. Considering the traumatic events that occurred in my childhood, I could never let another person in. I chose solitude because it was safer. I didn't have to explain my scars to anyone else. Hell, I didn't even acknowledge those very scars to myself.

Every so often, I'd find myself wanting a relationship, and when I found myself in one, it was a very unhealthy one. I don't think I ever witnessed a healthy relationship. Societal standards of what relationships should be and how must they function always felt stifling to me. I didn't like the square they were in; I felt a relationship should offer something more. Again, I was probably projecting my own feelings of inadequacy.

Throughout the years, I have loved, if we can call it that, but there were again unhealthy patterns that came with the men I claim to have loved. With all the issues I faced in these short-lived love tales of mine, rejection was at the forefront. I unconsciously chose people who didn't give me any of their time, people who seemingly didn't enjoy my company; this made me bitter and angry. The lesson here was that I wanted to be validated by them, I thought that they should fill this empty void that was deep within me, and when they wouldn't do so, I quickly discard them.

That's another unhealthy habit I adopted: leave them before they leave you. Don't get too attached so that the dismantling can be an uncomplicated process. Right after that, I return to my safety net of solitude, detached from emotions that made me question my worth. I didn't like feeling, and relationships brought a lot of that, and it was uncomfortable.

As time goes on, in my 31 years of living, I have finally learned to live with myself. I uncovered the wounds for them to heal and finally learned that the present moment is to be cherished, it is all we have. I obviously deprived myself of growth in the relationship department in that I have no idea how to share myself with another. How does one get into a relationship when most people are riddled with emotional scars and are unwilling to do the work to heal themselves? This is the current question lingering in my mind.

I am currently in the process of healing. I believe a relationship will find me when I'm ready, therefore I am not seeking it. I am uncertain if we all must be in relationships, but should I get into one, it should be a healthy one. I want the person I will share my life with to be healthy in mind and spirit. I need someone to have a clear understanding of what they're feeling and why they're feeling it. This will make communication easier. I will not tolerate anyone's projections due to unmet expectations that I wasn't told about. I can not heal you, only make you aware.

I finally realized my shortcomings, then started working on improving myself. I did the work myself, and I won't be able to carry another's burden of unhealed wounds. I don't know if these boundaries will work in modern romance, and if not, then I don't see myself shrinking and folding to make another comfortable. Solitude has always been my haven; at least now it’s a healthy haven, and you need to be healthy to take a seat with me.

Humans are not perfect, or maybe we are in our own uniqueness, so we don't have to try hard trying to live up to someone expectations of us. That is all I ask for in my future relations; do not burden me with your expectations I won't be able to live up to, and I will try not to do the same.

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Single State of Mind
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