Smile

I can't describe how I felt. It was as if in one single night, everything bad went away. We grew something new and pure together. May 22nd, 2019. I was seeing a man I worked with at the time and had been seeing him since February. We can call him Y. He was tall, built but tubby, with blonde, curly hair and short in growth. Now, Y was 22, we both worked for a representation business for insurance companies within the UK. Y was funny, not all too smart, lazy, but showed a lot of affection. Not my type at all. I had been wanting for us to turn our relationship into an official thing, but there was one set back. Come the end of July, I was moving away. New town, new job, new people. I asked Y his thoughts on this throughout us dating, and the response was always "we should talk about it nearer the time." I'm not really one for patience. I worry about things often and ensure that I have anything and everything prepared in advance so that everything goes smoothly when the time comes.

Then along came X. Tall, brown hair, slightly built, blue-eyed, military X. I'd known X for a long time previously to that as acquaintances, friends of friends situation really. A man I always fancied, but thought I could never pursue anything with. I never had the confidence to try really. X and I fancied each other, but I never knew it could be much more than that.

Eventually, things started to go wrong with Y, my mind started to wonder. Y never complimented me. Never showed much of an interest in my life. Especially after finding out I would be starting fresh somewhere new. Y and I got to a really bad point where messages were frequent, but physically seeing each other wasn't. I was being left, but he didn't have the decency to tell me. Unfortunately, it isn't uncommon for me to know what was going on.

One thing you should probably know if you're reading this. I was in love once before. When I was 15, I got into a relationship with my best friend. Our relationship grew for 3 years. It was in the second year that we had a hiccup. After that things started to change and I felt myself falling out of love. My only comment on this relationship—he was my best friend and I happily would have gone to any extreme for him. But he was draining. Draining of energy, never gave anything back, took money, time, and never did anything for me in return. It was one-sided; and although I didn't see it at the time, I know what happened there, and so I know what I want from a relationship.

Back to the story—my mind started to wonder. I started to think, I've had this before, is it worth going through it again? I answered my own question when I messaged X. I no longer cared for Y and what he was doing. I was going to take my life into my own hands and do what I wanted to do because I didn't want to fall back into that spiral. I was so bored of playing the game. I wanted someone to love me for me and want me as I am.

The next week came around and I found myself driving up towards the North for what was supposed to be a one-time thing. I got there. Within minutes, the lights were off, clothes on the floor, done deal. I thought that would be it. "Would you like to stay the night?"

My mind froze up... "If you want me to?" I always tend to answer questions like that with another question to see what the bloke is about. To see if I can determine what was going to happen next.

"Of course I do!" A smile grew on my face the size of what felt like Big Ben. He proceeded to ask me if it was okay for us to cuddle. I felt strange. I didn't feel bad about what had just happened at all. I knew I wasn't in a serious relationship with Y. I knew he was talking to other people as well as me. X and I stayed up until 4 AM that night just talking and laughing. We had so much more in common than I had thought. The same ambitions, same music taste, same humor. So there we were. On the 22nd of May 2019 on an Army barracks somewhere in the north of England, we started to grow our bond.

When I got back home, I knew I needed to tell Y what had happened, but part of me wanted to keep that for myself. Next came the dreaded chat with Y down at the docks in the south of England. I finally did it. I grew, swallowed my pride, and told him straight. "I don't want you anymore. It seems as though in the last three months we have gone around in circles. I know that when I go away, you won't try, and I'll lose the strength to care. I don't see us pursuing a real relationship and I don't particularly want one with you anymore. I am so sorry for wasting your time."

His response? "Ok."

So here I am, a week before I go, almost a month into my real relationship plus two and a half months of getting to know X; who, by the way, has a lovely four-year-old boy who has more than welcomed me in. For the first time in ages, I'm falling in love again, my smiles feel as though they are as big as my head, if not bigger. We have constant laughs, we share our time and time with his son. I'm careful to ensure that he spends most of his free time with his little boy, as that is the most important thing in the world.

The best thing about X? He is the most giving, loving, and caring person that I have met in a really long time. He's in the military and therefore understands what I am about to go up against. I think the world of that man. Even thinking about him makes me smile. I love him. and I need to find the right time to tell him. Any ideas, ladies and gentlemen?