Samuel Taylor
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So Crazy

Picking up girls is a walk in the park.

Gabe didn't know when he bought a dog just how much they attract the opposite sex. He liked the opposite sex. He also liked sex. His walks through the park with lead in hand hadn't quite got him that far yet, but he could sense it coming any day now. After all, each chat, each moment of eye contact and each "aww he's so cute!" lasted a little longer than the last. It would happen any day now. 

On this particular day, the sun was high in the sky causing him to sweat profusely. As well as this, his shirt was creased and he wore shorts that revealed just a little bit too much leg. Needless to say, he wasn't looking his best. He knew this. He was OK with this. Dogs last for what? Twenty years or something? Plenty of time to look my best, he thought to himself. 

This is exactly why he was so flustered when an attractive young woman came up to him to pet his dog. 

"He is just the cutest!" she said in a chirp that would've been annoying to anyone who wasn't as desperate as Gabe for human contact.

"Yeah he's a charmer..." he said not for the first time. This was his go-to line. Suddenly her expression changed. Was she angry? I've fucked it up again, he thought. But no. He soon realised she was more perplexed than angry.

"Sorry, what did you just say?" As soon as she said this, a giggle escaped from her mouth.

"She's... a charmer?" Gabe was now equally perplexed. While he was aware it was a killer line, no one had ever asked him to repeat it.

She looked him up and down before exclaiming, "Oh my God, this is crazy!"

Fuck, she thinks I'm crazy, he thought.

"You sound just like my roommate's ex, that's so crazy!" 

Fuck, she's crazy, he thought.

This was apparently a big deal to her, as she began to jump up and down in excitement which Gabe was more than okay with. 

Suddenly she looked up. She seemed to have had an idea. "Would you mind- Oh my God, this is gonna sound so crazy, but can I phone her up right now and get you to pretend to be him? Her ex boyfriend, I mean," she gushed between giggles. It was getting contagious now and Gabe began to join in with her laughter.

"Gee, I don't know-" he stuttered.

"Oh, come on, please? Please please please!" she sang as she gently touched his arm. She touched his arm. This was a game changer. Some girls had been nice to him before, but physical contact... Well, Gabe knew he couldn't let this opportunity pass him by. 

He went to accept the offer, but saw the phone was already up to her ear. And presumably ringing. Her laughter was uncontrollable now and passersby were beginning to stare, but he didn't mind. This was, after all, crazy.

Once she was able to control the laughter, she turned to Gabe and said, "Okay so, when I pass her over to you I want you to say 'Hey, Lilypad!' It's just a dumb nickname he had for her."

"Okay... I'm not gonna get in trouble for this am I?" he muttered. He meant it jokingly, but now the thought was in his head he did start to wonder whether this interaction might end with a woman he's never met screaming at him from down the other end of a phone. His partner in crime was too caught up in the excitement and so didn't respond, which he took to mean he'd be fine.

Her whole body jolted as she heard a voice coming through the phone. "Hey Lily, you'll never guess who I ran into." At this point she put the phone to her shoulder in order to let out a bellyaching laugh, as if she was drowning and needed air. Once she was done, she put the phone to her ear and continued with her mission. "Well, see for yourself."

Without even thinking, Gabe took the phone from her hand. It seemed his crazy companion had calmed down somewhat now, and was enjoying the show. And so, with hopes to impress he finally put the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Lilypad," he spoke softly into the handset. He prepared himself for laughter, or screaming, or maybe even shouting. But there was no such reaction. There was only silence for a moment or two.

His new friend touched his arm again. "Well, what's she saying?" she asked with an unexpected innocence.

And then he heard it. A whimper, at first. And then a sob. And then he heard the unmistakable sound of crying. It was uncontrollable and unending.

"She's... She's crying..." he whispered to her.

A laugh echoed out of her. It seemed as if her previous chortles had all been building up to this one. It wasn't cute this time, though, at least not to Gabe. It was menacing.

"Oh my God, that's crazy! Okay, now just say 'I'll see you in heaven some day...'"