Social Vs. Introvert

I used to hang out with people and did things just to fit in because I wanted people to like me. It was all a mask and an act I had to play. I only wished that people liked me for me and not what I could do for them or give them. Everyone took advantage of me because I let them. I did not want to be popular. I only wanted true friends who would have had my back or someone to hang out with.

When I did try to hang out with people, I felt like an outsider and awkward. I thought it was because of my size, but now I know that wasn’t the case. I did not do things that others did or the way they thought. I was unique in my own way. I was not interested in the same things they were, but I did try to fit in somehow.

My way of thinking did not match anyone else’s, and my actions were completely different from theirs. I tried to stay positive most of the time but was always knocked down because of the way I was. A social butterfly I was not, and it shows to this day. I did not like hanging out with other people and wanted to be left alone.

I guess you could call me a loner because I preferred to be alone and that made me happy. Today, I am still the same way mostly. I don’t care to go anywhere or hang out in groups or with company when they came over. I hide away in the back room which I call my cave. The roommate we live with always makes comments because I stay in my cave most of the time.

He doesn’t understand that I am happy this way. My husband gets lost in his video games and he is happy. No one gets it how we are. I sit back here and write books and love the peace and quiet. It clears my mind and keeps me out of the drama which is really why I stay in this back room.

I cannot stand the drama and most of it makes no sense to me why they act and say the things that they do. I am not into being social and because of my past, I suffer from severe social anxiety disorder because of paranoia. I have always been attacked from behind and it startles me into an attack.

Really, I love being who I am and that loner part of me that makes me an introvert is quite nice. I don’t have time for people’s bullshit nor do I care to hear about it. I stay to myself and my husband and even he understands and still checks on me from time to time while in my cave.

He loves me for me and not everything else. He knows when I am having a hard time and when we do go out, he doesn’t go far from me. I absolutely hate being around people and can’t put my finger on where I get my thinking from but it’s there. Some people call me intelligent and ask me to do the simplest of things in my eyes for them.

I am trying to work on my social anxiety and I am seeking help from a therapist because I know being an author might have me go out and be around people, so there is a chance of recovery, but a slim one. I don’t care to be social and if I could live up in the mountains with the internet, I would just to be alone and away from others. Do you understand?