Some Things Are Better Off Without Knowing...

I had my first real crush in the ninth grade. His name was Alex. I first saw Alex in the spring semester in the English wing, a short glance made me have the biggest crush ever. We didn't speak all that year, and I honestly didn't think we would. I guess destiny wanted for us to meet, and we had a class together in the tenth grade. I tried my very best to impress him. I would get the answers to the tests and give them to him, he would pass and I wouldn't. But I didn't care. Before the Christmas break, I took a bag full of lollipops to give out to the entire class, only for me to be able to approach him. I would ride the bus every day. One day, all of a sudden, I see Alex riding my bus. He was alone, so I decided to sit in the seat behind him. We started talking, he got off at the first stop, but I was so happy after that day. And my friends, who were all watching from the back of the bus, knew this. On one of the rides, Alex started asking for a friend of mine named Celeste. That's when I realized he liked girls. I started feeling down but he was so cute and my first crush since the seventh grade, which made it really difficult for me to move on easily. He was a nice person overall. I remember sitting in a desk near the end of the middle row when Alex enters the room, walks towards me to greet me, then walks to the end of the room to take his sit. The stupid me thought it was a mixed signal, now realizing he was just being polite. Anyway, I didn't tell him my feelings all that school year.

I was losing weight, at first to feel good about myself, then the goal moved to lose weight in order to look attractive. In the summer, I finally told him I liked him. The coward's way I guess, through Snapchat. I told him I liked him in the past tense. My excuse was that I liked a girl now, which was a lie. He asked me why I didn't tell him before, I expressed my fear of him and his friends being homophobes since they were a group of the funniest, hot guys from our entire class. He replied with "Lol we're not gay"... Ok? I didn't know what he meant but I let it slide. We continued having a conversation throughout that day, which I truly enjoyed.

The next day I went shopping out of the city. During those eight or nine hours I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation, especially the "We're not gay" part. I didn't want to Snap him because I didn't want to make my crush obvious. So I texted him around six in the evening, explaining how "homophobic" is not the same as "homosexual". Alex replied with, "Look dude, I'm not gay." After that, I couldn't send him any more snaps. He had blocked me. And that broke my heart into so many small pieces.

What hurt me the most wasn't his reply, but the confusion about all of it. First, he blocked me from Snap, but he still had me as a friend on Facebook. I was so mad I unfriended him myself. After that, I went to school and told a friend of mine about what hat happened and showed her the messages, and she's the one who confused me the most. She knew him since middle school, and she told me "He doesn't text like this."

The entire conversation Alex and I had was in English, but his message before the blocking was sent in Spanish, a language that, according to my friend, he doesn't usually text with. She started asking all these questions I couldn't answer, like "What if he didn't send it but one of his friends did?" and stuff like that. I left the table more confused than ever. I would bump into Alex in the hallways, making eye contact all the time. I would tell another friend about everything and I told him, "What if my friend is right? What if he does like me?" to which he replied, "Or maybe he is scared...." I never had the guts to as him if it was him. I didn't speak to him ever again until our senior year. When I was in yearbook and every student had to go through me for the chords and some information I had to give. There, he would just smile, giggle, look down, and not make eye contact.

I am now a sophomore in college and I still cry over him. I gained weight, and it has been hard to lose it again. A dear friend of mine said, "You should have asked if it was him behind the message. Maybe it was a misunderstanding."

I answered, "And if he was behind the message? I would be more devastated. Some things are better off without knowing." And that was my lesson with Alex, my first story...