Some Words to a Girl

So here are all the basics you should probably know before reading. First things first:

• I've never dated anyone.
• I've never been in a relationship.
• I've never felt loved by anyone other than relatives.
• And I've never taken much interest in girls.

Don't get me wrong, there are girls I've had crushes on, there are dreams I've had, and there are things I've fantasised about. But I've never actually taken the time to try to be in a relationship. And that's why I didn't know what to do when I met a girl I actually had feelings for. So please don't judge me too much, okay? Okay. So here goes.

I'd known her for about 4 years and we'd been talking for almost 3. We met in high school. We were in the same Art class, we shared a table in Graphics, and I sat behind her in Geography. She had just moved to our school and it was about halfway through the first year of GCSEs. At first I thought she was just another female; another cute girl I wouldn't stand a chance with. But then we started talking a bit in lessons. She knew my name, and we had our own little thing (we made origami pigs, it's a long story..) and I actually liked her. But I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything in real life so, like most millennial relationships, we started talking online.

It started when I apologised for my lack of talking because "I find it hard talking to attractive girls." She took that as a compliment and we continued to talk a lot, ironically. A few months later it was prom. I planned out a cute way of inviting her but I didn't end up doing it because I thought it'd be too sudden and I really don't like rejection. We both ended up going to prom. We didn't sit on the same table, yet alone dance with each other. It was okay though — I've got some good friends who kept me company just finely. We were at after-prom when she approached me, drinking with these friends. I was unaware at the time but it seems she was flirting with me and wanted to spend a bit of time alone with me. Looking back, I realise how dumb I was not to realise that, because next thing I knew she went to make out with another guy. That probably should've been the end of my romantic adventures with this girl, but I couldn't let her go. I later found out that, during that night, she had planned for me to be her first kiss, but let's move on before I regret too much.

A few days later we exchanged Facebook messages and she made it clear that she was a tad pissed at me for not taking the obvious hints. Eventually we became friends. Besides, it would be dumb to get in a fight with someone you share classes with. And she's still a great person.

A few months later she dated a dickhead. That lasted a while and he was a total dickhead. Honestly, no other word could describe him. I really shouldn't go into their relationship details but he was just a bad guy. No question about it. It was about this time when my friends invited her out to Pizza Hut a few times so she had become, pretty much, part of our little friendship "squad." At this point her and her ex broke up and a few months later I was there to step in. We were good friends, and I didn't want to do anything to screw that up... but I ended up doing so.

We talked about dating a bit and I think we were slowly advancing into being in a relationship. She liked me and I liked her. Things were going okay.

But then one of our friends had a birthday party.

A load of us went out for dinner. It was at a nice Italian-style place which had nice music in the background. The ambience was good — it would've made for a good place to go on a date. But since I wasn't yet 18, I couldn't go to the club afterwards like the birthday girl had planned. The girl I liked was 18 so she could go. Bear in mind that our birthdays are only a few months apart. It's nothing weird, I promise.

So my closest friends and I left early and spent about an hour in McDonald's at midnight. It was then that I told them about my romantic ambitions with this girl. I showed them a few messages and they weren't so supportive. I guess they were only thinking about the what would happen to the group dynamic if we broke up. I argued my case, and I know they just want what's best for me, but they were still very much against our relationship. We drove back to mine, dropped me off, and we all went our separate ways.

Turns out the birthday girl and the girl I liked asked one of my closer friends to give them a lift back home, after stopping off at the McDonald's we had been in a few hours prior to. That's just a little detail that would make for an interesting scene if this was, for some deranged reason, turned into a screenplay. So that was when my friend overheard a few details about how the night went. Basically, she got a guy's number and almost got kind of assaulted by another guy. You know, normal nightclub stuff.

A few days had passed and my friend had told me what happened. The fact that she got someone's number made me a bit weary about whether we were still heading towards a relationship. She realised that I wasn't feeling so into it and sent me another Facebook message about how we probably shouldn't advance to the next stage. I completely understood. I'm also not an attractive guy and I could see why she probably wasn't feeling it either.

After that we would just be friends. She such a nice person and I'm glad that we were good friends. So that lasted a while. We all went out together quite a bit and we had a load of good times.

But one day she did something different.

We were all sat in my front room (our usual hang-out spot) and she moved seat to sit next to me so she could share my Nintendo 2ds — old school, I know. We kinda snuggled a bit. It was nice being so close to her. And I guess that's what started up my feelings for her again.

Across the next few months we got closer, and I fell deeper and deeper into her. We'd rest our heads on each others as we'd watch a film. We'd often fall asleep like this. It was nice.

So that's you pretty much up to date.

A lot Facebook and Snapchat messages later and we're talking about finding "the one" and I implied that the only person I'd ever seen like that was her. She took it well and we both talked about finding the perfect person for a while. It was nice.

And then I wrote out a large-ish message directed at her. And here's what I wrote. And also, thank you for reading this far — I know it's not much of a story but it means a lot that you're interested. Thank you. So here goes.

"Okay so I've just finished watching titanic for the first time.. and it made me realise something - something big. Rose and Jack had eachother. They spent their last few moments together, and they didn't care that the ship was sinking because they knew they had eachother... and I've never been able to say that about myself. Don't get me wrong, I've been interested in a lot of other girls. And I've had the chance to get to know quite a few of them further, and to some extent I have, but it's always been about you. I know that we're just kids, and we've made some bad mistakes, but I'm sick of never trying -I'm sick of fucking around, and if we're ever gonna make it we've gotta get up and do something. So here goes, one more time.. I trust that you know there's someone better for me, and I know I've said this before, but I still really don't care if there might be someone better for me. I don't care about finding the perfect girl where we get that thing, that moment, of when you kiss and everything around ecomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realise that this person is the only person that you're supposed to be kissing, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry, because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away, all at the same time. I don't need this "better" person, because I get that feeling just by being around you. You ARE the better person for me.

I like that you get cold when it's warm outside. I like how your favorite animals are owls. I like that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I like that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And I only wrote all this out because I want to be with you. I want to be close to you.. I want to cuddle you, to snuggle with you, to be around you as much as possible. Because when I'm with you I feel like everything will be okay, and I just feel complete when I'm by your side.. and when you rest your head on my shoulder, I get the best feeling. When you held my arm in the car to stay warm, I felt wanted. When you rest your legs over mine, I never want to un-twine our legs from one another.

And I feel like you were using the "better person" thing as a way of rejecting me without hurting my feelings too much. So seriously, thank you, but you need to know that sometimes you're good enough and the fact that you gave a guy like me a chance at happiness shows that you're the best kind of person. And right now I'm being greedy and selfish and wanting more, which is the complete opposite of you, but even if there's no chance of us happening I just wanted to tell you the truth.

So look, I know we have different ideas about dating and finding "the one" but, until you find someone better, how about we just take this journey together? You know, we can't be beautifully unfinished forever ;)"

But I never sent it.