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I don't know really how to explain this.
I am going to do it the best way I can and hope that someone understands.
I am stuck somewhere in-between brokenhearted and independent. I firmly and strongly believe that I can be happy without having a life partner. I don't need him, I may not even want him. I am happy with being single, with having just me to pay for and worry about. I'm content with just spending time with my family and friends and not having another whole set of family and friends to worry about. I'm happy not to deal with the relationship drama that I hear so often from my friends. So I would say I'm pretty independent, I mean I am broke, but I am handling it on my own. Plus I am a pile of student loan debt. Who wants to marry into that?
So you're probably like "ok, well she's sounds happily single, it's all good right?" What 's this really about?
I am stuck.
Because while I am completely content with my life, I guess sometimes content isn't enough. I'm content, but do I have full happiness? Does that even exist? Well, though I am ok with fully content, no I would not say I'm fully happy.
See, where I'm stuck is, though I am content and I know I don't need anybody...
I still think about him every. single. day. Naturally, after 3 years, when he broke my heart, screwed someone else like he was over me, and after all the games, I still think about him every single day and it feels natural, it doesn't feel wrong and it doesn't hurt like it should. I feel no fight against it. I mean it's just a passing thought right? Sometimes we still talk about him like we would a passing thought. Sometimes he appears in conversation like we see all the time, like he still in our lives, yet I haven't talked to him in months. I still want to call him sometimes and just tell him what happened in my day or just have a shoulder to lean on when I had a bad one. I still want to check in and make sure that he's all right. God will always be my number one reason, but he's number 2 in my mind why I do everything I do. At the end of the day when I have free time, I roam to him first. I still have dreams every once in a while.
I just don't get it. I mean this was a long time ago, so I don't cry over it every day, I don't feel that I need him or do I really know that I even want him right now. I'm content with the way things are, I am content without him.
Yet he is always there. I don't talk about him, I don't want to but yet even though this was 3 years ago, people keep bringing him up and he's barely even in our lives anymore. A message, phone call or post, like some kind of radar tells him "oh she is moving on with her life time to intervene."
I am content with independent, I am content when he's not around. I don't try to let him in, he just appears. So here I am stuck somewhere between content and brokenhearted.
Have you ever been there?
Maybe I am just slow with moving on. Maybe I just need more time.