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Stalker

He is always around.

By Amanda JohnsonPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I have a stalker. He is not invited but still shows up. He knows where I am, even when I do not. He is persistent in trying to speak to me, though I deny him my voice. He raises his hand to me, even when I fight back. He plans me into his future, even though we do not have one. He is crazy and acts as if this is all normal. I am crazy. I block him and we fight, and I beg him to leave me alone, but he still finds his way into my bed. I say "no" often, he hears "yes." He wants me though I have told him I do not feel the same. I am mean, I yell and slap him away from me, but he still returns. He is jealous of every face on my Instagram. He leaves flowers at my door. He leaves gifts on my car. He brings me food on days my kids are not home because he knows I will not cook for myself. He pays my check at restaurants I have lunch at before I can request the bill. How is he even there?

"He is tall, handsome, caring, and attentive. He is totally your type, he's Latino. He is different from the other guys in town. Women swoon over him. Why don't you?" This is what I hear daily. But he scares me. I am nervous when he is around, I jump when his name is mentioned. I constantly scan where I arrive in fear that he will be there. I am scared to react too harshly in fear of his reaction. And so I keep him on my phone. I allow him a very short text a week. I give him a small portion of me, so that he doesn't feel the need to take all of me. In doing so I leave him satisfied and he stays away from my house, away from where my children are, but I still sleep with my gun close, just in case. And I am at a loss as to what I should do.

I am afraid for myself, for my kids, for any future relationships I may choose to have. He proclaims to be in love, begs me to reciprocate these feelings. He swears he will change, just as long as he doesn't lose me. He will go to see a psychologist to help his mind he tells me, to help him change. He will stop making mistakes, even though he is only human. These mistakes he makes are because of me anyway.

"Why would you make me this way?" he screams at me.

Why would I go to dinner with my friends if I know he will be upset? Why would I advertise my business on social media and who is this guy that liked the picture of my advertisement?

"I know we are not together, but I love you and I know we will be together in the future. You just need to give me time, I will change to not lose you. Please do not move on, please do not make me jealous with you talking to other people."

These pleas from him, his begging for something he never actually had, makes me feel sorry for him. I wonder about his past and family life, who abandoned him? He can be fun and charming as his Instagram portrays, his story is full of his smiling face with friends and family. His Instagram is full of HIS FACE. I don't feel sorry for him, I am annoyed. I am fed up. I am so over trying to be kind because he makes me feel as if I am stealing some emotion from him that he was never given in the first place. I want him to leave me alone. I want him to leave me alone, I want him to receive the help that he may need. I want him to be OK, but not for me. I want him to be OK for the next girl so that she doesn't have to experience what I have. I want him to accept he will never have me. But will he?

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