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Stop Going on Dates

Not Your Typical Dating Advice

By LisztomaniaPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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I think that we often look at people who have successful and steady relationships for guidance. Sure they have some merit, but at this day and age, I think it is mostly sheer luck. Let me tell you why I think I have a leg to stand on. Relationships fail with me more often than not and not to get all esoteric, but if nothing else, I’m supposed to share what my thoughts on it.

Friendship. I often muse over this basic human relationship. We’ve strayed so far from the meaning of “human,” that we are just completely confused about relationships. There is a reason our parents set us up on play dates from infancy. And why you go to them with all the emotional shit happening at school because the ass holes wouldn’t let you play tag with them. Personally, after school cry sessions were real. I was a total late bloomer and didn’t understand what friendship was and wasn’t.

Fast forward to present day, I have managed to lose and gain friends, like any other person. But there are two people that I can say genuinely fulfil me emotionally. What is it about these platonic relationships that is so hard to replicate in a romantic one?

The answer, I think, is expectation. I don’t expect anything from my friends and they don’t expect anything from me. We have an understanding that we love each other unconditionally. Truly, it flows easily. When it comes to dating, and this is where I think we get it all wrong, conscious of it or not, we place an expectation on others. And everyone is doing it.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t fallen into the trap. I’ve spent nights getting ready while my bestie and I talked about what I was going to wear and where I thought the conversations would go. The expectation of the general evening.

There is a difference between having standards and having a running checklist. Young Jamie, was once told by her mother, “If you marry for money, love will follow.” Not in a snobbish way, but she was a realist and only wanted me to be taken care of. I had a hard time accepting that, but trying to appease her running checklist, I took her advice. I’ve been on dates with both a lawyer and a surgeon, and do you know what they had in common? They were both raging douchers.

The surgeon talked a big game about how busy he was and how his search for a “real connection” was a complete wash. He then proceeded to throw up a weather balloon for his chances of getting laid that night, and me being who I am, laughed in his face. We ended the night on awkward terms. What I wanted to say was, “Just be real from the jump and you will be fine in your future endeavors.” But I should have been saying that to myself, also. Just accepting the date when I had a feeling he was an ass was poor judgement on my part.

The lawyer, had nothing to offer the conversation besides work and his perspective on the court system. Like, I’m not knocking you for having a good career, but you have to understand that most people today aren’t thrilled by idle conversation. Then he snapped his fingers at the waitress and it irked me so bad that I let out an audible, “Wow.”

The whole, “Marry for money and love will follow” notion was definitely not going to work out. So, I went back to dating regular guys, thinking maybe it was just the guys, or who I was at that point in time, that always prevented it from manifesting further. They weren’t much better. For a stint, in the beginning, they seemed like down to earth people who didn’t give to care about status or money. However, eventually the other shoe would drop, usually around the third date in and the cracks in their facade began to show.

I found that we weren’t seeking the same thing. And I didn’t realize it until retrospect. Sure, we were both on the date. We both were appearing to have a decent time. The conversation held a good amount of topics. What was it that made it feel like we were not on the same page? Was I emotionally unavailable?

This is where I think the big debacle of being “emotionally unavailable” gets mixed up with an actual mental disorder. And only very recently was I able to pick it apart. Everyone, at one point or another, will ask themselves if they are emotionally available or not. What we should be asking is, “Am I ready for another friendship?” He was approaching the date as any normal guy would. I didn’t realize I should have picked up on that and changed my demeanor from “girl-who-just-wants-to-learn-about-you,” to “divine-feminine.” But that’s really not who I am and I can’t do that.

Just an example, recently I went through a breakup. One of his complaints was that I was, in fact, too much of a “bro” and that I didn’t spend enough time seducing him. I know I’m a bro, but in my mind that’s the best thing a human can offer.

Going back to asking yourself if you are ready for another friendship. Honestly, sometimes we aren’t ready. A while ago, I turned down a platonic friendship simply because I had too much going on and couldn’t handle another person in my life. I actually told her exactly that, and she understood. Maybe because she was female and could grasp that friendships take a good amount of energy.

One of my friends is older than myself. He was basically a mentor years ago, although I never slated him as such until I realized how much I sought his advice. He’s a libra, so he just gets it. One of the things he said about people really resonated with me. “What we all seek is a deep and intimate friendship.” 19 year old me was like, whoa. True.

Dating bewilders me. Because both people have agreed to be there. But you can’t show sincere interest, or lack there of. Or worse, display your true self. As much as our culture tries to give some agency back to these people by making it look fun, dating is an awful experience. There is a distinction between being single and dating, and most people don’t acknowledge it. It’s like the whole, “a rectangle is a square, but a square is not a rectangle.” What I do, can hardly be classified as a “dating.” I’m not sure when I stopped approaching dates like a normal person, but I do know I stopped putting on makeup for them about a year and a half ago. I was seeking authenticity on every level. And not to brag, but I am a solid six on a really good day. More over, I have zero desire to change that.

I’m not saying stop wearing makeup. If that’s your thing and you enjoy it, then cool. But what I am saying is that when we walk into a date, we already have an idea of what is going to happen, and he probably expects you to show up with a full face on. And sometimes, we can even call the conversation blow by blow. Because there is an expectation and both sides know what to do. 9/10 it goes no where. As humans, it’s hard to take things to the next level when both people are wearing a proverbial mask.

It’s not enough to say, “I’m done with dating!” Let’s start expanding on this and say what is really on our minds, “I’m done with proverbial masks and expectations!” Because really, that’s why it’s failing. And just think, when we all agree to drop the act and pursue people as potential friendships, we take out the awkward middle man of dating: false pretenses.

It will always be weird. At least make it authentic.

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Lisztomania

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