Stranger

I was 15 when I went to my new school, and I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. As a sophomore with this new founded freedom, I acquired this sense of adventure and curiosity. After adjusting to my schedule, I met a lot of new people , however, there was one person that was stranger than most. When I first saw him I knew he was going to be in my life and change it forever.

It all started after history class, a group of my friends waited for me by the classroom door. While hanging out with my friends, I noticed someone talking to one of them. He was so tall and handsome, I couldn't stop staring, it was like I was starstruck. When my friend Taylor, introduced us, I couldn't speak. It was like my words were stuck in my throat and when he introduced himself, nerves kicked in and I ran away. After that encounter, I began seeing him more often. As I was going up the stairs, he stopped me and said “Hey! Cool Adventure Time shirt! My name is Andre, by the way.” , “Thank you!” I said nervously as I walked swiftly to my next class. However, Andre stopped me again to get my Skype; at first, I hesitated because I wasn't sure of his intentions but I kept telling myself to experience as much as I can, so I gave it to him.

When I got home that day, I rushed to my laptop, hoping he added me, the anticipation was killing me. He didn’t add me back, I shouldn't keep my expectations so high. I started to think what was wrong with me that he didn't want to add me on Skype. The next day, he explained that I gave him the wrong username, I was so relieved, I thought he changed his mind about me. After he finally added me, the conversation took an unexpected turn. He talked with such confidence as if he knew exactly what I wanted to hear. Andre lead me on with common interests and sexual innuendos. We had grown up conversations, and it made me feel like my voice was important, unlike at home where no one took me seriously.

A couple of months later, Andre and I gotten closer and I soon realize how different he was. He was so sensitive that when I gave my own opinions and critiques, they usually related to him. Often times he would shut down or ignore the topic, soon I realized he had depression. I thought of it as an excuse to overdramatizing certain issues and I would often become harsh because of it. Due to Andre’s sensitivity and my “cold” attitude, many of our close friends would back him up and call me names and bully me. “Gosh, can you not be such a bitch to him? He likes you...isn't that enough”, “Andre is not too sensitive! He's just depressed! Get over it that's just who he is!”. The constant expectation of putting Andre on a pedestal because of his mental illness , in my eyes, deteriorated the meaning of “mental illness”.

Andre’s mental illness was an excuse for every uncomfortable interaction he had with a female. He would inappropriately touch them and make sexual jokes towards them. My friends would make me feel as if I didn't matter by defending his sexual behaviour. However, this did not stop me from begging and pleading for a position in his life. I thought that I wasn't good enough for his love or I needed to prove I did belong with him. He explained to me that he just broke up with his girlfriend and still deciding on who he wants. I tried everything I possibly could to get his affection, I would do what he wanted and thought it was okay. My plan on getting with him was recognized with everyone, even his ex-girlfriend. She threatened to hurt me and send her friends to stalk me. I didn't understand what I did wrong for her to hate me so much, I just wanted to feel loved and accepted.

At home, not much changed with the treatment I got at school. My mother was with my stepfather since I was 2 and I don't remember a time I wasn't so miserable. I wanted to escape, thinking that Prince Charming was going to break through my window and kidnap me from this hellhole. Every day I came home to my life being controlled by a man who thought I was brainless and easy to manipulate. I’ll cry myself to sleep after a long day of bullying, finding acceptance from Andre and constant emotional abuse from that man. I guess that's why I waited by my phone for Andre to acknowledge me for so long

After months of begging , Andre finally agreed to be my boyfriend and it was the happiest day of my life. It felt so surreal like a cotton candy paradise, like the sweet sensation of a teenage dream. It was like we were meant to be together, every day felt like it was worth living for. But then, we started arguing and the arguments would last for days. We would argue about how insensitive I was or why Andre keeps touching and talking to other girls inappropriately. Our fights would happen anywhere, anytime. The world was our stage to act out our frustration towards one another. The more times it happened, the more he screamed, call me names, and grabbed me. Most times, it'll happen around friends and if I decided to leave, I’d say, “I'm tired of you...”, and he'd respond ” Where the fuck do you think you're going?!” as he grabs my arm and hurt me. My friends and teachers just watched him get aggressive not knowing what to do, I didn't even know what I would want them to do.

He got worse when we were 6 months into our relationship. Like any other hormonal teenager, he expected sex. Andre was a smooth talker and usually got what he wanted, and I didn't know what else I was good for. I knew how to make him stop screaming and abusing me, just make out until he stopped. But god forbid, I wasn't in the mood for him, Andre would punish me for not listening to him. This meant silent treatments and constant bullying. “It's okay, at least you ain't got no tits!”, “ Why did God give me a girlfriend with no ass!? Why can't you just grow one already!?” or “ God! You're such a prude ! You’re such a tight bitch.” I started wondering why I looked this way or acted the way I did, I became depressed and I wanted to die. I wanted plastic surgery to enhance the features I was “lacking” and with this I changed the way I acted. Even if I didn't want something I had to do it for him, to make him happy, to prove him wrong and to be a good girlfriend. Andre kept talking about hickies and how he never gave one, and I expressed that I didn't like it because of the fear of my mother. While riding the bus, Andre gave me a weird kiss on the cheek. After being home for an hour I notice my whole cheek red and blue, I started the bath and cried for hours. I texted him of what I found and he was very apologetic and quickly became angry when I started blaming him for this bruise across my face. The next day, I told a mutual friend of what happened and she told me it wasn't a big deal, and I thought maybe it wasn't, because I loved him and it was okay.

The arguments and the sexual harassment never stopped, I wanted to kill myself more each and everyday. One day, Andre and I walked to the back staircase in my school and we were going to talk and make out. He started to get “handsy” and I told him to follow the safe word “Pineapples”. I don't remember exactly what happened, I recall arguing about how I was to prude-ish. He pushed me onto the windowsill , turned me around and grabbed my hands tightly. “ NO NO STOP!” ,”PINEAPPLES”, I started crying out of fear, I thought “ Is this right?”. He slowly pulled down my pants as I felt his parts touch my back slowly down to my rear. I couldn't stop crying and screaming and I guess that made him stop there. After that day, I pushed the memory out my mind or I justified it, thinking it was okay because I loved him.

A year passed and he graduated a year before me and summer filled the air. I just came back from an International trip and started my first job. Andre didn't like how my time was filled with responsibilities instead of giving all my time to him. He would excessively call and text me, keeping me up until 4 in the morning everyday. Andre would call me and tell me how much of a dumb bitch I was and how I make him want to kill himself.

At this point of my life, death was the only escape, but I didn't want to because I thought I needed to love him. I thought he was all I had, because of my abusive home. Now, that I am older, I realize my worth and who I want to be. I just want to live my life normally instead of living in fear, stress, and depression.

Stranger

This is a story/essay I've been meaning to write... I want this to be the first step to many stories to come.