Stupid Does Not Mean Unwanted

The other day, when we talked, I mentioned that I thought relationships were stupid.

You responded saying "No, you don't."

When I asked why, you said, "Because you want a relationship."

Here's the thing.

Yes, I want a relationship.

I want to be happy with someone and be able to call them mine. I want to be able to say I miss them and want them without it being out of place. I want to be able to cuddle and kiss and hug. I want to be able to bear my soul and share my secrets with someone without fearing reprieve or judgement because I have the emotional security that their feelings won't change. I want to find love one day. I want it bad and it hurts not to have it. Believe me, it burns to think about how much I want it, crave it, wish it were mine. Yearning burns.

But that painful burn is exactly why I hate relationships, the concept of them, and love in general.

As wonderful and great as people make "love" out to be and as pretty as dating seems, getting there is so fucking painful and hard. The endless trial and error before finding "the one?" The heartache that ensues whenever the wrong one manages to snake their way into your life? The evident self questioning that comes when the waiting game begins to feel too long? And even when you find "the one," no relationship is without struggle. No person is without flaw. And sooner or later, the person you love most and who also loves you will also let you down, causing a very special type of pain that only your soulmate can inflict.

All that pain for "love." Begs the question, at least for me, of "Is this worth it?"

My honest answer is no.

My honest answer is hell no.

To endure so much pain just seems mad to me. And, all in the name of "love." It's stupid and mad and honestly such a hassle.

Feelings are a hassle. Feelings make you vulnerable to so much. And it's not as if you can fight them once they take hold. When you feel something, you can repress all you want, but it's still there. When you get hurt, you can't just shut that off, and if you can, good the fuck for you. But I, along with most of the population, cannot do that. Feelings are not controlled with a switch, not easily covered up or swept away because you want them to be. You are forced to feel them. You have no choice in the matter, and that is one of my biggest issues with "love."

For something supposedly so "freeing" and "joyful," it comes with a lot of ultimatums and a lot of strings.

Yes, you'll be happy, but not now. Later. Waaaaaay later, after you've endured your heart being broken a million times over. That's the price.

And it's disgusting.

Though perhaps the worst part about love for me is it's ability to make even the smartest people immensely stupid.

I find it agonizingly stupid, especially of myself. Because despite what I know about heartache the price of love, I still want it and yearn for it, as do others.

I chase something that has only every caused me pain. I want something that, as happy as it can make me, can also make me cry and wail and sob and hate the sunlight in the morning. It's true when they say that love is poison. Love is a drug. To chase something so deadly instead of running from it...that's why it's stupid.

So yes, I do want a relationship. But I also think relationships as stupid. Wanting it doesn't make it any less so.

Written on 17 December 2017