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I'm sitting on a plane headed to him. I am cramped in such a tight space with snorry mcsnorrer next to me on my right and mcsneezer the sniffler on my left. I should be really aggravated but more than anything I am excited. I have been waiting for this for so long. I am finally going to meet the love of my life. The one I have longed for.
As the plane lands, I impatiently wait for the door to open. As they finally open the door I jump up and quickly grab my things, running through everyone and the door. My mind is racing and my heart beating rapidly; it feels like a wildfire has taken over me as my palms are sweating. I start to look around waiting to see his face, that wonderfully handsome face. I can't wait any longer, my heart growing impatient. As I'm about to pull out my phone, I hear a voice echoing my name. I look up again. And there he is, across the flood of people. I have never been so happy to see another person's face in my entire life.
He begins to approach and I bolt to him. As I run I feel the stinging of tears streaming down my face. I jump into his arms and I know I am safe and warm. His arms around me, his chest against my face. I am finally complete. I run my hands through his hair as he kisses me deeply. This love that I have been waiting for has finally entered my heart and soul. As we gaze into each others' eyes I blink and wake up. I am in my bed. I am in my room. And he isn't here. He is still on the other side of the world. And we will never be.
As I lay in my bed, my heart feels empty. I am lifeless. I stare at my ceiling feeling the weight of the world pressing down on me. I just want to escape my thoughts of him, but I guess it’s not that simple. For so long I have been trying to tell myself that the man in my dreams just perhaps isn’t real. “He is just a fantasy,” I try to tell myself. Oh how I wish it were that simple.
My phone buzzes. I turn my head and stare at it. I reach for my phone, it sticking out from underneath my pillow. It felt like picking up a brick. Everything just feels so much heavier and I just feel so much weaker. I squint to read the message. “What are you doing later?” Fuck. Plan A, my excuse is family emergency. Plan B, my phone flew away and is nowhere to be found. Or maybe it’s me who flies away and is nowhere to be found. One day. Maybe that can be plan C.
I’m not someone who particularly likes to go out and socialize. I don’t like socializing period. I kind of pride myself in being a loner. I don’t trust very easily and I’m hard to warm up to. I try not to get caught up in the past but I’ve just had too many past experiences that weren’t too great where I was practically stomped on. Contradicting myself a little, aren’t I? I’ve been on this journey of “getting out of my comfort zone.” I’m trying to learn to trust a little more and getting to know others to expand my network. Ya know, otherwise known as making friends. I guess it’s good for your mental health or something like that if you have friends.
“Sorry, gotta pick up a shift tonight,” I respond. That was plan D. One day I’ll start that journey. But today won’t be that day I guess. I wanted the journey to start on that airplane. But who knows when that will happen? Or if it is meant to happen. I guess I won't ever know. I have a fear of the unknown.