Taking Back My Life

I am here to tell you my story.

I am here to tell you about my experience with mental/emotional abuse.

I am here a survivor and a stronger person.

They took advantage of my fear, loneliness, weaknesses, and heart.

I was always a kind-hearted and adventurous person, free soul you can say. I was also so passionate and ready to take on new challenges. I stayed to myself and was happy.

Now, I will begin to tell you my six-year turmoil. I dated some of the worst men. I was used, betrayed, beaten, and told awful things. It is very scary how someone can be so kind and gentle, then they have this switch that turns them into a nightmare. I have been in relationships with a total of four men my entire life, then there are those that just used me or I used them. In reality, that is how it is these days. People don't know what it's like to just be with one person anymore.

The Two Physical Abusers

Two were very similar, they put me down and just made me feel like nothing. They both cheated and did drugs. If anyone knows me, I don't like men that do drugs. I was naive and thought I could change them.

I was able to escape the first one because my friend saved me. He attempted to hit me and kept harassing me for a little over a year. I lived in fear that he would hurt me or someone I cared about.

The second one forced me to have sex or would beat me because, to him, that was not rape since I belonged to him; he threatened me every day to keep me in check. Broken every day and confused, I still had the willpower, I stayed at different friends houses so that he could not find me for about a year until he finally gave up.

My Rape

The day it all started. I was having fun with friends and I woke up, naked, bleeding, confused, etc. I had been raped that night, by who you ask? Not sure. I realize these so-called "friends" were not friends at all. I was in so much pain, hated myself so much. I wanted to kill myself because I felt filthy and worthless. I was naive for trusting so easily.

My Downfall

After my rape, let me put it in terms everyone uses: "I slept around." Yes, I wanted to be loved and cared for, but who doesn't? Sleeping with men, and sex was always fun, but I hated it at the same time because I didn't care about myself. I didn't care if someone killed me, I drank so much to numb the pain. I was searching for something more than love—myself. Sex isn't everything, you can have sex with hundreds of people, but it won't make you happy. I wanted a worse kind of pain. Something that could take that memory away which was death. I can't explain the feeling, but it felt like death was the only way out.

My Last Relationship

Before this man, I was at a standstill, not moving forward or backward, I was just stuck. He came into my life when I was not sure I was ready to trust someone; therefore, I lied to him. I take full responsibility for lying. Lying did not give him the right to treat me how he did afterward. He is someone that I will remember because he is now everything I detest in a man. He made me feel like all the mistakes I made could not be forgiving. He created a story in his head of what he believed was correct. Telling the truth was never enough, I ended up lying and lying. I kept lying and when I tried to tell the truth, it was a lost cause.

He had these strange fetishes that I just simply could not understand. My friends would say that these are pretty normal, while others were freaked out. Once he moved to another state, he became even more intense. I had to have my location on at all times, I could not hangout late, or with any guy friends. He thought I had slept with all my guy friends. If you know me, you know I do not hangout with anyone that I dated. I don't talk about them, nor do I care what they are doing.

This man scared me the most out of all the others. Unpredictable, so aggressive and emotionless. He wanted to know how many men I was with, how the sex was with each one, who was the biggest or smallest, who came the most, and worst of all, he wanted me to record myself sleeping with other men for his satisfaction. These were signs and I was blind, I thought this is the best I can get. He may have been the worst, but taught me the most about myself. The love for myself is greater than any man.

This is a little mini plus to the story:

He met a woman with two kids where he is stationed and he fell in love with her (karma). We have all made mistakes, I shared pictures and so did he. He told her he was going to sell them and profit from them. I am no longer afraid of him, till this day I have all the proof needed to destroy his life just like how he threatened mine.

I am ready for anything these days. I am stronger than ever before and I am wiser. I love who I am and I love being alive. I've lived life alone since the age of 16, and I have yet to fail to the point of no return. I have picked myself back up several times. I will continue to do so. For anyone going through anything similar, don't forget that you are strong enough. It may take all you have, but at least you can count on yourself to push through all the obstacles. Don't ever let someone take your life. The meaning of life starts with you.

"I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my lifeI gotta recognize the weapon in my mindThey talk shit, but I love it every time"—Halsey