The Apology Letter You Never Got

I cannot tell you how many times I picked up my phone wanting to call you. I cannot tell you how many drunken texts you almost woke up to, but thankfully my friends would stop me from hitting send.

I want to start off by saying you didn't deserve what I put you through. You didn't deserve how entirely immature I was. I am willing to take culpability for my actions; I was toxic. For all the times I acted like I didn't care about you or your feelings, I am sorry.

I am sorry for all the times I lied to you. I knew I was lying, but I couldn't stop myself from doing so. I gave you a belied image of who I am. Every day, I regret it. I am sorry I was reticent with you. I couldn't tell you how I felt or what I was thinking because I was afraid you would leave.

I am sorry I never took your advice. I used to get upset when you would give me advice, because I felt like I was independent, and you were trying to control certain aspects of my life. You were didactic, but I know you were only trying to help. I am sorry I couldn't accept it, but I am trying to work on it.

I am sorry I was too much. I tried way too hard; I smothered you. I wanted you to want me as much as I wanted you; however, in turn, I ended up pushing you away. I talked all the time, interrupting into conversations I had no business being in because I wanted so desperately to be included by you and your friends. I tried too hard for them to let me in, they wound up hating me. They didn't like me around because they thought I was annoying, and I was hurt they never gave me a chance. They excluded me and you got the querulousness. I am sorry I worried so much and cried over your friends and family not liking me. I am sorry I drove a wedge between you and your friends.

I was very mercurial. I am sorry I would get upset when you didn't want the same things out of our relationship. I would chastise when you didn't deserve it. I was insecure in our relationship since I felt like I couldn't trust you. I worried about not being enough for you. I worried you would find someone better. I apologize for being insensitive and ruining things.

I am sorry I wanted you to be a man you weren't. I wanted you to be the person you were in our beginning, the one who would send long heartfelt paragraphs about how you adored the color of my eyes and the sound of my laugh. I wanted you to be happy with me again when I knew you weren't. I wanted you to do the things you used to do when we first started dating, like the little coffee dates, mini golfing, road trips, games, and ice skating. I am sorry I painted an image in my head of you and got upset when you didn't meet those false expectations.

As I'm sure the list continues, I am deeply sorry I ruined our relationship with my toxic traits. I had wished we could start over anew. Because I know at some point I loved you, and you loved me. In my heart, I know we can't. We ran our river dry.

It was unfair of me to place all the blame onto you when we broke up. It was the wrong way for me to look for closure. I know I played a huge role in our demise. I have grown into a better person since our relationship by recognizing my flaws and working on them.

It ended not because of some huge fight, or because we could no longer stand the sight of each other. It ended because we both were unhappy but still halfheartedly trying to make it work. It ended because we didn't love each other anymore but hoped someday we might reignite our burnt out match. Truthfully, we stayed together for longer than we should've because we were comfortable - to avoid our own insecurities - which hurt us even more in the long run. It used to hurt my heart dreaming of you and waking up alone. Now, I am relieved I still get to see you sometimes.

But I want to thank you for helping me grow. I am a better person because I got the pleasure of being with you. I have so much veneration for you. I am engulfed by how proud I am of you and how far you have come in your life. I hope someday you find someone who is honest with you. I hope you find someone you can happily take home to your wonderfully generous, loving parents. I hope you find someone who never stops looking at you with admiration. I hope you find someone who is every bit your dream person. You deserve someone who can give you all the things I couldn't. You of all people deserve happiness.

And with this apology is a vow to stop writing about you. You were not the only antagonist in our story, rather someone I once thought I couldn't live without. All my love. CB.