The Art of Moving Past a Bad Friendship Breakup

Unfortunately, the majority of us have been through a breakup. The good, bad, and the ugly. We have been on the giving and receiving side of it, and have gone through the stages of wallowing, accepting, and moving past it (which typically includes copious amounts of junk/comfort food, some solid hours spent solo Netflix-ing until you’re ready to invite some friends to join, and lots and lots of angsty music). Eventually, you’re over it—you move on, you meet someone new, you continue the cycle.

But what happens when it’s not a significant other that you’re breaking up with, or that broke up with you? What if on the other hand, it’s an extremely toxic friendship that has been lingering for upwards of 18 years. A toxic friendship that you only at times recognized how toxic it was, and could just never seem to let go. You know, that type of friendship that is borderline mutually abusive. Then what?

With relationships, it's easier (emphasis on the -er) to, over time, hang up the boots, wipe yourself off, and start over again. You slowly find yourself thinking about your ex less and less despite memories that might flood back—and you eventually meet someone new to replace the memories with.

With a friend, it’s not that easy. Especially when it’s a friend that has been in your life since you were just kids. Your go-to person who you had memories of and with since you were young. You can’t make a new friend and go back to when you were nine and re-do those memories with your new, happy, healthy friendship. And at that time, your friendship wasn’t unhealthy—it wasn’t toxic; so you don’t WANT to re-do them. Then what?

I’m sure you’ve seen or heard the quote: “It’s sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them.” Even typing that quote made me a little emotional because of how true it rings, because no matter the amount of time that passes, a bad friendship breakup hurts. But how do you move past that breakup and onto your life? As someone who was ghosted for the last time by a supposed “best friend,” I want to lend to you some steps I took to navigated my newfound PG (Post-Ghosted) world.

1. Stop blaming yourself.

This was the one I had the hardest time with—mostly because during our friendship, I, more often than not, took the blame. I took the heat for things that happened, I became a pro at saying, “No it’s not like that," "You just don’t get her," "She didn’t mean it like that…" etc. I didn’t accept the fact that I was a scapegoat, even when others pointed it out to me. I blamed myself for mistakes made, people hurt, wrongdoings done. Once that “friend” ghosted me for the last time, I stopped blaming myself. I let go of thinking I was the one at fault, and the rest followed.

2. Find time for yourself

For so long, I was seen as part of a duo. Whenever someone said my name, my “Friend's” name followed after, or it was assumed she was part of the equation. Still to this day I live in the shadow of being that duo. However, when I was part of that duo, I was pushing away much worthier, truer, kinder people—because I thought I had it made. I found out later on—PG—that there were good friends I had who avoided that duo that I thought was so wonderful because it wasn’t. In my PG life, I have taken time to take a step back and re-establish myself. It helps that I also got sober in this time, so I was able to present myself in a completely different light, but just breaking free from an existing “me” did that on its own. People began to see that apart from the duo, I wasn’t the person they thought I was—and life started marching forward.

3. Don’t regret the past

Those memories don’t go away, ever. Especially when someone was in your life in childhood, throughout awkward junior high and high school years, and early adulthood. They saw every side of you, and accepted that—good or bad. They were there for you, and loved you despite the calamity that surrounded your friendship. There was a point that wasn’t toxic, that didn’t hurt, that wasn’t ugly. Embrace that relationship. You grew through it. You’re who you are today because of it. You’ve learned from it, and it’s a part of you—and a part of your “us.” And that’s okay.

4. Live for the future

Keep stepping forward. When someone ghosts you—relationship or friendship—they’re bound to come back (or try to) at some point. That happened to me with this friend and the best thing I did was ignore. When I felt like I couldn’t ignore it and went to respond to it—I found out I was blocked—so, in a weird way, I am thankful for that. It would have been a huge step back in everything I had already won for myself and my journey onward and upward. As childish as it might feel, if you think you’re slipping backwards and finding yourself wanting to connect, knowing it’s not a smart move—BLOCK THEM. Remove the opportunity, and keep on doing you. You can only move forward if you’re looking forward; and quite frankly, reaching back out doesn’t bode well for anyone.

5. Surround yourself with positive

Make new friends, or engage with old friends that you cast aside because of that person or your friendship with them. Recognize what you might have done that was toxic in the friendship, and actively work on that so you don’t do it to someone else. It’s not a one-way street, you definitely had a hand in how bad it got—whether or not you were the main culprit. Just because you were the lesser of two evils doesn’t make you any better. But find the good in yourself, in others, in life in general and just bask in it. Moving past the horrible friendship I was in, I was able to rekindle a friendship with two of my true best friends—a lifelong friend, and my cousin—both whom could not stand being around my former “friend.” They were able to talk openly with me about the affect they thought she had on me, I had on her, and on those around me and from there I was able to grow—and they were able to re-accept me for me. Remember, the positive always outnumbers the negative—if you’re willing to work and look for it.

6. Let go.

It’s time to move on. Yes, you for a long time were known as the duo. You don’t have to accept that anymore. If people bring up that “Friend” around you in your PG life—shut it down. Don’t feed into the negativity and perpetuate negative stereotypes or feed into talking shit about them. You can do what I do; just shrug and say you haven’t talked to them in a couple years, and change the subject as soon as possible. Letting go hurts. You feel like you’re abandoning memories, or that person in general, and in a way, you are. But if you don’t let go of a friendship that is nothing but toxicity, you will never move forward with your own life. Let it go, breathe, and make sure to smile if you accidentally cross paths at the grocery store.