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I know–this topic is cliché, and honestly, I don't blame you if you feel like gouging your eyes out. Seriously, don't though—I swear I've got some good sh*t to say.
Being single-shamed is such a bogus part of society. I cannot count the number of times I have heard: when are you going to settle down? Or how often someone says: John Smith has a great smile, you should date him. And my personal favorite: being told my standards are too high. LAUGHABLE. First off, I am pretty settled thanks to the wine I consume on the daily, Cheryl. Secondly, Mr. Smith may have a great smile, but he also catcalls women like a horny teenager who just discovered porn. Finally, my standards cannot possibly be considered too high. A standard is literally a guide for what you want—why the hell should I have to lower them just because people aren’t up to par?
I have been single-snubbed enough times that I acquired a crucial superpower. The ability to not give a frick. There are *obviously* more than five reasons I think being single is freaking fire, but I wanted to keep it on one hand for the haters to go f*ck themselves for making single people feel like lesser humans.
1. You never have to compromise what you want for dinner.
Listen–folks, this is a big one. You want to order two large, pepperoni and pineapple stuffed crust pizzas ,and eat it in your underwear while watching the third season of Friends for the 68-thousandth time? Go for it. You want to make a five-ingredient crock-pot chili with noodles, *and yes, chili has noodles, not up for debate* you do you, boo! You’d rather have a fruit salad for dinner, aka wine? Pour it up. Your meal isn’t a debate, because you’re always eating what you want to eat–no one is forcing you to drink an ass-flavored kale infused smoothie.
2. You only have to respond to yourself.
Seriously. You never have to justify where you’re going, or why you came home at 3:40 AM smelling like a boozy Abercrombie & Fitch. Honey, I was doing body shots out of some guy’s belly button, while using my fake British accent for free drinks–what’s it to ya? It is no one’s damn business.
3. You can do things on your own timeline.
You don’t want to do the dishes today? Don’t. You want to wake up at 4:30 a.m. and shake that cardio out early? Do it up. If on Friday night you don't want to do anything except slap on an oatmeal face mask and chug a bottle of wine while bathing in lavender essential oils to decompress from the week--do you think your man friend, Matt, would be chill with you skipping out on the date he had planned earlier that week? Nah, probs not. But you're a Boss B*tch and do what you want, on your watch.
4. You never have to fake an orgasm.
It is not your fault he was four inches shy of where he needed to be, and you should not have to put on a performance of the century to boost a dude’s ego. You’ve got your favorite vibrator (if you don’t, you need to get one ASAP), and you know exactly what to do to get yourself off EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Enough said.
5. Loving yourself is hard.
For those of you who still have the strong desire to have a man–make sure to pay close attention to this one. If you feel like you hate looking in the mirror, or if you think you resemble Kim Richards from this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season one, having a man won’t make those feelings auto-magically go away. Do some soul searching, and figure out how to love yourself before you put the effort into loving someone else. There is a fine line between being confident, cocky, and narcissistic. Figure out what you need to accomplish, so you can fiercely strut on that line.
There you have it. Now, embrace the "Don’t Need No Man" and the "Single as a Pringle" hashtags, and don’t let people’s bullsh*t get you down.