The Broken-Hearted and the Breaker-Upper

Breakups are messy, and perhaps at their very core, far from graceful. It is the declaration that your freely given "yes" to walking with another — choosing to have them in your life as your preferential companion — has turned into a "no." It seems that a lot of good comes from risking a "yes," from allowing something to be born, to be fulfilled, for an adventure to take root. So how can a breakup, a "no," that sudden ripping apart of a promise, be done with grace? Relationships are perplexingly unique. Perhaps your relationship was rooted in few promises, and your emptiness at the loss is about the same as before. Perhaps you were broken up with and, because when feelings are involved, you are now heartbroken and must wait out the unavoidable pain. Perhaps the breakup was mutual (on some level I'd say most probably are, at least to an extent), or perhaps you were the one to take that step and broke up with them. I find this position interesting: being the breaker upper — the one who decided, for whatever reason(s), it wasn't meant to be, or was not leading to fulfillment and must come to an end, and actually committed that perfect crime. Here are just some perspectives/bits of advice on this for the breaker uppers that I'd like to throw out there:

1. Be gentle and firm. If you wear honesty rather than your ego, both of you are going to fare much better in the long run. You do not want to sugarcoat, but you do not want to be cruel or rude. Both are going to cause more pain than necessary. It can be difficult to strike the balance, but quite simply, honesty is key here. Do your best not to lie, and if you need space, express that kindly.
2. Remember you are going to miss them. In light of this, watch yourself and your actions and how you treat them. When you're at that point, you'll regret unnecessary damage done and it can be helpful to remember that you are going to miss them too and that's only natural. They probably have more power than you're going to think, and rather than hiding behind your ego, realizing this reinforces the conviction that this is the right thing to do for both of you.
3. They're not the only one getting hurt. Even though you are letting go of a spoken commitment, the person does not disappear from the planet and it is good to recognize that. Because we are naturally such relational creatures, you still have an obligation to this person's well being, apart from them or not.
4. But with that being said, give them space. Don't play games with them. You both need your space in order to recognize that you are both remarkable individuals apart from each other, as you were before you ever met. This can also help you gain perspective on what the relationship truly was and meant for you, and it ultimately upholds both of your dignities.
5. Forgiveness is so freeing and crucial. Both of your darker sides will likely come out. This doesn't define anybody here. This isn't a power game. Forgiving yourself and them and allowing them to do the same will bring the greatest peace and the clearest perspective on what the relationship means to you and your life.

Overall, it is easy to fall into social constructs, to react violently to difficult situations, and to face a ton of confusion when faced with a breakup. What once was love has turned to dust and that can feel horrifying. But feelings pass and truth does not. So when breaking up or being broken up with, remember that relationships involve two people, and both of you are being impacted. Remember that distance and forgiveness can give us the time of discernment that was clearly needed if a breakup occurred and can free us from the burdens that we were carrying in the relationship that led to a breakup.