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The Craft of DM Sliding: WTF Are You Doing?

J-Spot Original

By Jess FernPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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"Hey" – read at 7:02.

"Hey" – read at 7:05.

"Hi" – read at 7:08.

"Hey" – read at 7:12

"Hey" – read at 7:23.

"What’s up?" – read at 7:24.

"Hello" – read at 7:33.

"Hey" – read at 8:02.

Annoyed yet? Yeah, same with every other person that you obnoxiously send these messages to.

DM slides like these remind me that the senders are a joke that is not funny—like George Lopez' standup act. Take a seat and grab your thirsty ass a glass of water so I can tell you why your direct message attempts are less than successful.

We have all been guilty of it. Just the other day I messaged Pete Davidson on Instagram (I was in that delusional state-of-mind where I thought he would fo sho be into it LOL). Shockingly enough, he did not message back. The reason he didn’t message back is so obvious. He felt intimidated by my raw personality and my sheer beauty, I know. OR I can get off of my high horse and realize, it’s because he is a celebrity AND I went against my cardinal rule of DM sliding: THOU SHALL NOT BE A THIRSTY A$$ HOE.

Simple enough, right? One would think. Believe it or not, sending an insta direct message of your jock, or your abs, is not a sure fire p***y trap. I know, right? Totally just dropped some knowledge bombs on some of you men out there.

Everyone loves a good old compliment (FACTS), but only when they’re realistic. Don't respond to my selfies with heart eyes and tell me I'm the hottest thing you’ve ever seen (you and I both know Kourtney Kardashian is the hottest and she radiates sex so don't even go there brah). Sending me that sh*t all of the time is wack and quite frankly imma leave that f*ckery “on read." A more victorious, one might argue foolproof, way to intrigue someone is to acknowledge their intelligence. *DISCLAIMER* if you do this make sure you actually have tangible material. Don't just slide in and say "you smart baby girl" and expect to her to be wooed.

Independent. There are two songs that people associate this word with: 1.) the song by Webbie (Google it if you don't know, kids) and 2.) the song by Destiny's Child. Regardless of which one you think of, do you hear anything that screams "I need a prince to save me because I am incapable of doing things myself"? NOPE—wanna know why? Because women are not weak, damsels in distress that only crave to be swept off of their feet. Insinuating I will perish into a useless shell of a human if I don't go out with you is in the top four most annoying things. If I wanted to go out with you, I would.

Don’t get me wrong—I understand the whole wanting what you can’t have thing—and I respect that a shooter’s gotta shoot. However, at some point you gotta realize that these DMs are wasted efforts and you're just shooting blanks. Women know damn well if they want the company of a man's face on their love rug. If there's no response after the first (sh*t, I will even extend this to the second) “hey,” you're more than likely not a contender.

I cannot stress this next statement enough: Do not tell someone they "aint sh*t anyway" after they turn you down. They are not b*tches for saying "no" to you, you're just a Bitter Betty.

Moral of the story is DM sliding is a craft that is not easily mastered. That thirst quenching glass of water you were told to drink at the beginning of this should be a good starting point.

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About the Creator

Jess Fern

Twenty-something year old Leo, with big Leo energy. I talk about the raw-uncut, truth. ​​Strong believer that if Cinderella opted for the non-slick glass slippers, she would have saved herself a lot of trouble. Enjoy, babes. xoxo.

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