Ghosting is a phenomenon that has spread throughout a generation of daters and it is starting to break my heart. Now, I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I've never ghosted anyone and that everyone else is the problem. That is just a lie and wouldn't achieve anything, except make me seem like I'm looking down on those who ghost. And I'm not. I can see times and places for ghosting people. Prior to meeting, maybe he or she has made you feel uncomfortable and you don't really know how to word that you are no longer interested. Or maybe they're being dick. Or maybe you've met them and realized you aren't into it and you told them and they don't seem to be picking up what you are putting down. I get the ease of ghosting...
But that doesn't mean I don't have a problem with it.
You see, if you have read any of my writing on this site, you'll know that I have had a lot of difficulty with dating boys. And by boys, I mean it in the sense that they are not men despite what their age might lead you to believe. Now whether it is these specific experiences I've had or the knowledge of the concept of ghosting overall, I have grown to have a fair amount of anxiety when it comes to dating now.
I don't really care when I've just met a guy on some dating app and we've sent each other back and forth a few messages and then suddenly they stop. Whatever. That doesn't keep me up at night. Hell, even when I've gone on a date and it was super awkward and he never messages me, I usually think it is for the best. But when we have been talking for awhile, we've hung out a few times, and I've become invested in him as a person and I am interested in continuing to be invested... the anxiety in me wells up. Now, this might seem like this is just because I'm interested and because I want to keep seeing him that you think this is why I have this anxiety...
However, if he texts me saying that he wants to go to this place with me and that he'll find time to go to this place with me... but then he texts me less now than the amount he used to text me... My anxiety about the fact that he is over me and is slowing pushing me out the door skyrockets. And it's shitty... It means that he can't just have a busy day without me panicking. Of course, I don't share this anxiety with him because I'm not fucking crazy... but it doesn't mean that it just goes away.
Then you sit there wondering if they are just doing something or if they don't want to talk to you. You want to ask them, straight up, just tell me if you don't want to see me again. Because that would be easier... But then you are showing that you vulnerable and have been overthinking this and maybe are more invested in this than they are... Maybe it's that question that ends up pushing them away... Or were they already drifting away and you sent them out the door?
And you have been talking to them for 14 days and have only met twice but the culture of ghosting is so embedded in you... that now you just expect it.
So it needs to stop, maybe not in every case. But we need to grow up and realize that if we aren't feeling it, we need to tell that person if they have become invested. Drifting away is easy for the person drifting but it hurts the other person. Even if you don't care about them cause you don't want that person to be your person, you need to recognize that they are still a person.
Be honest. Even if you are just on the fence, don't ignore them to find out. Open that dialogue and you'll figure it out.