The Day This All Started

It’s been nine years since took I took that leap of faith. And little did I know that I would start drowning so quickly. But for some reason, I never gave up. I still haven’t. Some days I want to—don’t get me wrong—I’m human. We all succumb at some point.

Love has always been a painful feeling and action in my life so far. That’s definitely the one thing I have learnt. Since my very first real kiss when I was 14 years old (it really wasn’t love, but at that age, you just think it is!) which gave me my first real experience of betrayal, I now know that I have always been a big believer in love; but yet, I have never really felt it and received it. Because I never really received it, I, in turn, have never been able to truly give it either. More on that in a later post—we will get there.

Fast forward to nine years ago when the man I married literally turned my world upside down—another encounter with a man that I fell hard in love with, but has since broken so much of my soul. My family was torn apart, I lost relationships with my siblings and closest friends because I was far too blinded by love to see what reality actually was.

I can honestly say, at the time I was immature and probably spoilt. I got what I wanted and married him regardless of what anyone said to me. I threw myself in heart first. My head was hurting from all the arguments and conversations going back and forth about whether I really knew who and what I was marrying into. But I did it. Do I regret it? At some point in the last nine years, I have. But right now at this very moment, I feel it’s been the biggest lesson for me in a positive way. We are still married and fighting battles that span from alcoholism, emotional abuse, and debt. But I am stronger. He, however, isn’t.

I could have drowned immediately—only a matter of weeks after our wedding day did certain truths come to light that really threw me for six. I have never in my life felt so scared and anxious. The home we lived in became so toxic, and not just by him, but by his family. After all, they had lived with this for years, so to them, it was just another day and a way of life. They didn’t know any better. But I did. So I fought and fought.

And now I am here—a hell of a lot stronger (I haven’t cried in months when I used to cry every day—no lie), a little wiser and far more in-tuned with my mind and soul that I hope will help you and others that may be on the same journey. My story here is not just to vent about the life I have lived so far, it’s about the teachings I have learnt and how I can hopefully help you.

Please stay with me.

Love and light

AS