The Empath and the Narcissist

I am currently learning how to value and protect my own mental health.

There are many types of people in the world.

I am an empath. This means that I absorb and often physically feel the feelings of those around me and those I am connected to.

I have deep and profound empathy for those who suffer, even if I don't know them, or don't even like them. It is very easy for me to put myself in other people's shoes, to the point where sometimes I have to cut myself off from others because they affect me too much.

This personality trait works well with other empaths. Being around people who are sensitive to needs and feelings of others, can make one feel loved and cared for, and ultimately at ease.

However, narcissists have the opposite effect.

My mother is a narcissist. One can imagine how difficult this is for an empath child. My whole life my world and family life has completely revolved around my mother's needs. I have 5 brothers and sisters, and a very kind father. We have all attempted to find our own ways of coping with my mother's self-centredness. This has resulted in a myriad of different methods which unfortunately have often been at odds with each other.

One family member's response/coping mechanism can result in triggering another family member's defensive reaction. So instead of the family uniting to help and take care of each other in a difficult situation, we are simply a family of triggers and reactions. A family that, on the surface, really like each other, but unfortunately have so much deep-rooted pain from coping with a narcissistic mother that we are often at odds with each other, even during our best times.

Like most things in life, there is no straightforward or easy solution. I have read that empaths should stay far away from narcissists. Perhaps it's because our desire to understand and communicate with people puts us in a vulnerable position, when the people we are interacting with will always put themselves, their thoughts and feelings, first.

Empaths have a desire to give. We draw energy from giving.

But when paired with narcissists, our giving nature gets turned around against us, and all of a sudden we are drowning in a sea of someone else's self-involved world.

It is not always possible to avoid the narcissist, so how do we cope?

It's a good question, and perhaps more complex than we'd like.

In my situation, I simply cannot avoid the narcissist. Although I do my best to do so. But being forced into this interaction tells me that I have something to learn and grow from being around her.

As empaths, our nature is to give and adapt, but how often do we do this, only for the life to be sucked out of us? How often do we give too much of ourselves, forgetting to give to ourselves?

This has been my lesson here. To learn how to stand up for myself, create my boundaries, and stand strong in my own knowing. That I deserve respect. I have had to learn how to say no. I have had to learn how to explicitly explain what exactly it is I deserve. And this strength has changed our dynamics.

Too often, we give away our power, because we feel too much and it's too hard to feel other people's sadness or disappointment. But once we understand that this sadness or disappointment is a part of life, that we don't deserve it more than others, that through sadness, disappointment, and grief, we reach new bounds on the other side, then we can start to see and appreciate that other people most go through these emotions to enable their own growth.

The more we try to cater to and protect others, the more we hinder their own development.

As an empath, my job is not to protect, but simply, to empathise. To say, yes, I understand how you're feeling, I feel it too. I cannot solve or fix other people, but the process of solving and fixing myself is exactly what enables others to grow in response.

It's time for empaths to come into our power. We have a powerful gift, we only need to hone it and develop it so that we can both serve ourselves and others.