The End of an Era

This archive of letters once meant everything to me. Everyday I rushed to the mailbox hoping to find one of these babies waiting for me. Of course, these in this photo only span back to the last eight or so years. The archive would have been much larger except over the last 22 years and moving around as much as I had. I ended up losing some. These letters were from my once true love, Kevin.

Some readers may remember my last article about trust in relationships. Especially in relationships where one partner is incarcerated. How important it was to keep the lines of communication open so that your partner had no time to overthink the worst of what could happen in relationships. Unfortunately, the letters were not enough to save the 22 years that Kevin and I had reveled in, with as many heartwarming moments we struggled through and the many heart-wrenching times of having a life without parole sentence and a rainbow full of dreams. Kevin and I taught each other about love without being physical when we had no idea what love was. Kevin was my brother's cellmate in the county lock up when we were introduced and very quickly became best friends.

We stayed together and learned a lot about love together. I watched his trial and cried when he was sentenced. With both his family and mine, I sat and watched in horror as Kevin was wrongfully accused but could not do anything. After Kevin was taken to prison, we both questioned whether he and I would be able to survive being non-physical. He decided it was time to allow me to go. He wanted me to experience life and live it to the fullest. Reluctantly, the first time, I left upon his request. However, I returned as I had done so many times in later years of our relationship because I could never see myself with anyone else. Each time I left, it was never without massive amounts of guilt.

The last eight out of the 22 years, we spent most of the time in the friend zone because I wanted to make sure that I was in the right place to guarantee that I would not be making any more empty promises. So when he asked me for a solid commitment, I was able to give it freely. I had no idea that there was a slowly building anger and resentment. I had no idea that even though I was trying to make a commitment, he was secretly setting me up to fail. It was quite a blow when I received a letter from "a friend," telling me that he was cheating by writing the same things to other females as he was writing to me so they would send him money as well.

I was upset, angry, but most of all, confused. I wrote letter after letter asking for explanation. Receiving nothing from him, I called and spoke to his counselor. A week later, I finally got a letter from Kevin telling me that he was "just waiting for me to leave again" and how everything that his friend said was true. I was shattered. I tried to make sense of everything. I simply couldn't process any of what or why. What hurt the worst is when I sought the help of his family, they gave me nothing. It was not what I wanted, but I had no other option.

In the end, despite everything, I will always love him, but I had to make the choice to let go. I will always wonder if he will ever think about me and how we used to be. I will always wonder if he ever cared about me.