The Ending of My Love Story

My ex and I have gone through so many different stages of our “relationship.” He would move out of my apartment and come back again. We’d make up as if we never fought. When really, we were walking on eggshells while holding our breath. My ex and I left my apartment and stayed at his found with his family. It seemed like he wanted me to be there so I thought it would be a good idea. No.

His family has heard our fights constantly. It was embarrassing. The reason why we always fought a lot is because my ex never respected my wishes, he would belittle me constantly, and he would call me stupid when he didn’t agree with my opinions. He would always want to start an argument when it came to our daughter—so we couldn’t agree on anything. We parent differently so to him there was no compromising so it seemed like it was always my way or the highway. When really, I’ve been wanting to be a team with him, working together and respecting one's way and doing our best to prevent conflict. It was frustrating. He was very stubborn when it came to be and it hurt a lot. He became the oil in the water that made us toxic. But I still kept trying to win him back.

We didn’t anyways fight, we shared some pretty good times. We had a bond that held us together for the longest. We knew how to have fun with each other. Looking back, even those good times were always one sided because it was always the things that he liked doing. We only watched the movies that he only wanted to see. And all of my movies were boring and he would be openly critical about it to where we cannot even enjoy the movie. Just like the music. We only listened to his type of music and his favorite bands. I can recall him asking what my favorite song was… twice… from several years ago when I was pregnant. And this was two years afterwards.

Investing in myself onto someone who didn’t want anything to do with me drained me emotionally. I was so focused on loving my ex and taking care of him, I neglected to take care of my well being. I knew he didn’t want to be with me, but I thought I could change that. And I kept trying and trying until I finally gave up!

The day that I gave up on my relationship was the day that I had enough of him. One night, I was planning to stay at my apartment, but I decided to stay at my ex’s house because we had a day without fighting and we enjoyed each other’s company. As we were getting ready for bed and he had turned off the lights, I felt my daughter’s diaper to see if she needed a diaper change. I was looking for wipes in the dark and I had my phone for light. My ex had put earplugs before he laid down on his pillow. He says, “turn off your light, what are you doing?” And I didn’t know he had the earplugs in and I told him what I was doing, but he didn’t hear me. Then I found the wipes on my side of the bed. Then I stopped and asked him, “do you think if I change her, she will wake up?” and then he turns over to me and says, “probably.” Then I asked if he could change her when he gets up for work and he turns back around and aggressively tries to change our daughter. In the dark, I’m confused about why he’s being so rough with our daughter. So, I say “hey!” and he ignores me so I brushed a clean diaper over his face. Then he yanks it from me and throws it back into my face hard and I could feel his knuckle hit my forehead as he swung the diaper. Then he didn’t even change our daughter.

I stop to think about what just happened. When he turned over to lay on his side for bed, I punched him on his side and said: “don’t you ever hit me again.” Then he stood up and he pushed me against the wall. I felt my back hit the wall hard. I stood up and I couldn’t breathe and I was crying and thinking that I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I turned on the light and he got even more upset. Then my daughter woke up in a fright and she didn’t know what was going on. I felt disappointed in myself for even staying. And the look on my daughter’s face hurt me the most.

I grabbed my belongings and I went home and I never went back. Later on, we eventually apologized for what happened. When I went back to my apartment, I felt free. I felt like I was able to finally be myself without feeling judged or insecure about every move or sound I made. Then I realized I had no idea what kind of music I liked, shows I enjoyed watching, and what to do with my spare time. I had to learn who I was and what I want to become. And every day after work, my ex would come to my apartment and just hang out there until late at night. He ate my meals, watched movies with me, and even went out and hooked up a couple of times. This happened for a couple of months. After watching Love Simon, he tells me about a girl that he is talking to from OkCupid.

I was happy that we were moving on because I didn’t want to continue doing what we were doing, it felt wrong. Then I soaked it all in and he told me that he was talking to this girl for a couple of weeks while we were doing a lot of things together. I felt like he didn’t see me as a friend, but someone he could use to his advantage and that didn’t make me feel good at all.

I was disappointed in him and when I saw what the girl looked like, it made me even more upset. She was white, she just started studying environmental science at the same school as we did, and she had a daughter, younger than ours. He found her more interesting then I was and she seemed so dull. I was disappointed that he was keeping this a secret from me while being under me for so long. He even tried leading me on a couple times by saying how attractive and sexy I was, like what the hell. I felt like I was going a little crazy because him moving on was bad timing because eventually, he wanted closure when I wanted nothing to do with him.

He doesn’t play a role in my life now and I have mourned my best friend. I had to let him go in order to heal myself. In that process, I was learning how to be who I am and finding out things that I enjoyed doing. More than anything I learned how to enjoy being alone. It’s a relief to not have my ex in my life because he’s a toxic person and he made me become toxic as well. Loving my ex damaged me because I was borderline personality disorder from all of the distress that I was under for the past three years and now I’m working on it and fixing myself.

I also had to learn how to forgive. I had to forgive my ex for all of the emotional rollercoaster he put me through and thank him for proving to myself that when I love somebody, I’ll do anything for them and they have to be willing to do the same for me. Now I know how I should be treated by a man. Now I know what kind of partner I need. Everything happens for a reason and my reasonings could be to bring my daughter into the world and to shape the person that I need to become for the right person. And most of all, I had to forgive myself. I did all that I could for him and I was never good enough for him. I know that I deserve someone better than he could ever be.

I’m glad that I finally escaped my ex and I’m not in a rush to look for someone new. I believe working on myself, being a good mom, and trying to achieve my goals in school is much more important. When the time is right for me to be with someone, then it’ll just happen.

I will no longer hold my breath.