The Estrogen vs Testosterone War

If you look back through history, many countries, including my country, the United States, have been involved in many battles in their existence: the Revolutionary War, World War I, World War II, the Mexican-American War, Vietnam, Afghanistan, the Iraqi War, the Korean War, and many other famous battles that I have not listed.

All of these famous battles, with the exception of the Korean War, had a definite beginning and a definite end. But, there is one war that is so long that if you took the time span of EVERY war that has taken place here on planet Earth, they could never come close to the war that I am going to talk about here.

It's the battle between the sexes that sometimes ends up becoming the battle between the exes.

Since the beginning of time when some guy named Adam shared some fruit with some lady named Eve, the opening salvos were fired. The shots have been fired ever since and multiple casualties have been mounting ever since. There has been no truces, peace accords or anything else. Just one shot after another.

The fight began when the first man decided to be a man. That's right! He felt his need to be the man. As a caveman, he decided that he was going to make it known that he was the man. Problem was that there weren't many other people to brag to. Nevertheless, he had to make himself known and he managed to corral other men to go along.

The women were not innocent either. They decided to let it be known that they were women and demanded to be recognized as such. They wanted many things done to assert that fact that they were the women. And so, the battle began.

One of the things that men were expected to do was establish their royalty. The man has always claimed the title of "king" in a relationship, but the woman expected and demanded that the man hold the door open and the chair for her to sit down. What did the woman do for the man? Well, she stopped making demands for a while unless the "king" forgot his "queen." The man agreed and all was good.

As the battle continued, men and women decided to commit themselves to battles that would last a long time. They drew up fancy agreements, drew up sides, walked long pathways to music, and faced someone who would verify their deal for war by saying two words: I DO. Now, they were ready for a lifelong commitment to face each other every day in a union that would start out as a twosome with the possibility of spawning survivors of the said union of combatants.

In a typical day, the testosterone unit would wake up and demand some form of nourishment. He expected the estrogen unit to comply and make something called breakfast. Without realizing how the female had difficulty looking at the back of her eyelids all night long, he failed to see that she was also extremely grumpy and told him where he could stick the toaster. He looked rather puzzled as to how that would be possible, but he went on to prepare himself for a day of work. Eventually, she arose from the bed to prepare a meal for the male.

It was at this point that the man forgot one major detail. Instead of saying "Good morning, dear," ("Dear" was an optional term of endearment, but "Honey" was acceptable as well.) often a mindless lump of flesh would start the day incorrectly by saying something like, "Where's my breakfast," or "Have you seen my watch?" The woman who wished to return a reply probably saw a dead mouse somewhere, considered dressing it up in ketchup or some other condiment and putting it on a plate, telling the fool that it was a fuzzy French fry. That plan was quickly abandoned because there was no France at that time. So, that plan wouldn't work. The woman whose brainpower far exceeded the man's ability to think, came up with another plan that morning.

After breakfast was over, it was time for both parties to clean up and get dressed for work. She asserted that she would use the solo bathroom first. She entered and managed to bring in her clothes, her watch, and a book. She cleaned herself, got dressed in as little as 15 minutes, and then took out her book—War & Peace—and started reading all while glancing at her watch once in a while. It wasn't that she was interested in anything by Tolstoy. She read the book in college. She just needed the book as a weapon of war at the moment.

On the other side of the door was the man who, at this moment, was growing very impatient. He knew not that the woman had a book and was actively reading it. As he looked at the location of the sun, he computed that a period of time had elapsed, thus making it an impossibility that he would get to work on time. Furthermore, he also discovered that coffee, in large amounts, does not stay in a small bladder for very long. It resulting in him doing all sorts of dances all while pleading to his mate for her to abandon the bathroom before the coffee abandoned his bladder.

Inside, she remained unfazed, stopped laughing hysterically and began to start reading the next page—page 2. She now had 3,898 more pages to go. This would be her way of teaching him a lesson about bossing her around.

An hour later, after she decided to turn over the room to her mate, he dashed in and did what he needed. It took him only ten minutes to get dressed, but thirty minutes to urinate, and then, heave a sigh of relief for the comfort he needed just sixty minutes before.

Both parties departed for work. Because he was the "king," he decided to let his "queen" drive their vehicle. In time, transportation went from horse to carriage and horse to car. It was in the car where the "king" plotted his next move. She expected him to hold the door for her. His response was usually, "What's wrong with you? Are both yer arms broken or something?" That did not sit well with her as she made a mental note to check his insurance policy, later on, to see how much she'd receive after his immediate passing from this life. He took to sitting in the passenger seat (otherwise known as "the death seat") and she sat behind the steering wheel. She glances over once in a while and says to herself, "The dayum fool doesn't even know that he is sitting in the 'death seat.' I'm gonna be rich if I can duck and roll before this car can hit a brick wall."

His plan while sitting on the passenger side? He was going to give her directions on driving him to his job. She would drive under his "supervision."

"Watch out!"

"Stay to the left!"

"Stay to the right!"

"Watch out for those kids!"

"Slow down!"

"Speed up!"

"Watch out for that cop car!"

"Get off the sidewalk!"

It did not end there. She did drop him off at work.......... without using the brakes of the car. He did manage to stop, drop and roll..... into a row of garbage cans. He got up, brushed himself off and yelled out to his significant other,

"Love you, too, dear. See you later, my love."

The war only escalated from there.

Later on, that day, because she had the car, the woman got home first in order to make dinner. She "conveniently" forgot the hubby because the dinner was more important. He, using his wiles, decided to not look for his twenty-minute ride home. Instead, he decided that it would be much more fun taking two smelly trains and a very crowded bus home, a solid one hour and forty-five-minute ride home....on a good day.

Dinner was served. What was supposed to be steak, mashed potatoes, a vegetable, and a nice drink did not appear to be steak, mashed potatoes, a vegetable and a nice drink. Instead, he sat down to a meal of something, something with a side of something. He took his knife and decided to slice the gravy and sample the meal. Unfortunately, because his taste buds could not recognize right way what he had been served, he spat his food out and followed up that action by saying something no woman ever wanted to hear.

"Yuck! You can't cook! What is this mess?

To which she tearfully responded,"Spaghetti and meatballs! You hate my cooking, you beast!!! My food is fit for a king."

Without missing a beat, he said, "You are right, honey. It is fit for a king."

He then looked under the dinner table and made kissing sounds while saying to an imaginary dog, "Here, King! Here, King! Where are you boy?"

He got a belly laugh as he reached for his glass of chocolate milk. Little did he know, the woman chose not to use chocolate in the milk. She intentionally decided to pick up a large supply of Ex-Lax in place of chocolate.

"Drink up dear," she said. "Tonight is going to be an exciting night," as she laughed and went to the bathroom. She picked up her W&P on the way and headed to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Now, on to Chapter 2.

The Ex-Lax took less than ten minutes to kick in.

It is rather easy to see how the combatants present themselves to the public. You might see them walking down a busy city street while holding hands. Don't assume that they are in love. They are always fighting. You may see him walking on the outside of the sidewalk close to traffic. He will have his left hand in his left pocket while his right hand holds her left hand and her right hand is free. Why? Well, he keeps his left hand in his pocket because that is where he keeps his money and credit card-filled wallet. It is the pocket further away from her. He holds her left hand so that she can't sneakily reach around him with her left hand, grab his cash, and dash into a jewelry store somewhere. He leaves her to use her right hand to point at some diamond-encrusted ring that he won't buy her anyway. Besides, he could get that Honda 1200 cc motorcycle for the price of the ring.

Yes, testosterone and estrogen are always at the root of this war. For men, it is compounded when the moon is up to its tricks around a certain time of the month and all of a sudden, she becomes the female version of the Lon Chaney werewolf minus all of that body hair. She becomes moody, irritable, and very unpleasant. That is when the man gets blamed for it. Someone once said that a woman figured out what was wrong by looking at the words menopause, menstrual, menopausal, mental, menace and many other bad things and concluded that all problems start with MEN. Guys, we had THAT coming to us. Of course, when you start hearing her say something like, "Not now! I have a headache," what she REALLY means is that YOU are her headache right now.

This war even continues to this very day. We have some guys who want to see what the other side is like and we have gals who want to see how we live. Forget it!!! Stop trying to spy on the opposite sex. That won't help. The solution? In order to end this war PEACEFULLY is for both sides to appreciate each other. Be considerate and think of each other's feelings. Do nice things for each other with no other motive except to show each other how much you love each other. Spare no expense to show each other some love. Draw up an amiable truce and that will make one less battle out there.

Then again, you could always end the war in another fashion. All you need is a divorce lawyer.