The First Moment

Do you remember when we were kids? Well, I mean when we were younger when all we worried about was each other and just showing up to class just to finish the last year of high school.

Those were the days. Do you remember how we began? …Our first kiss, our first honest words to one another. It's funny to say, to know, our entire love began in a small high school in a place barely existent to the rest of the world.

I remember it like it was yesterday and God knows I wish it was. I remember seeing you for the first time, it wasn’t anything special you were probably going to end being a girl I could add to my “fucked and left” list...crazy how things turned out.

That was the beginning, our first interaction with one another, just a simple flirtatious greet between you and I. At that point we had no clue our lives would intertwine so tightly together, we had no idea we’d end up here at the end of our story, the end of this chapter in both our lives.

Anyways those greetings grew over time and rolled over into our senior year, our last year of high school. That is when our journey truly began, we flirted more and more until finally, it had bloomed into an extremely intense sexual tension and something more; something I hadn’t ever felt or a feeling I refused to feel throughout my time as a cold-hearted person in school.

I swear I went to class just to see you, just to make you laugh, to make you smile. You had such a mesmerizing smile…you still do. You weren’t the prettiest girl in school, in fact, I never expected I’d be attracted to you at all. We were two very different people from two very different worlds and we both knew that.

Yet. You.

You were so different than any girl I had ever been with, you were different because you weren’t a girl at all, you were a woman. At seventeen years old you were a woman and I was utterly and completely pulled into your gravity.

The way you spoke, how your perceptive was on my childish ways it challenged me and that drove me crazy. You drove me crazy.

Do you remember our first honest words to one another?

After a couple months of talking and flirting you told me how you felt. I remember it so clearly, it was outside of the cafeteria before we went in for lunch. Do you remember? You told me flat out with no hesitation that you had feelings for me and you wanted to know if I felt the same. My first thought was the braveness and courage it took for you to say it first. I, later, learned that courage and braveness was who you were and it only grew more over the years that followed into our relationship and life together.

Now, my second thought as I stood there thunderstruck at the bluntness and sureness of what you felt and what you expected of me…I panicked. I had told myself I would never fall in love especially now, right when we were about to graduate and on top of that I was distracted by someone else who I wanted to check off my list; you know my “fucked and left” list. It didn't happen. Still, it was selfish of me I know, you’ll come to realize our entire relationship was built and broken down by my selfishness and it all started here at our first honest words.

I ended up lying out of confusion and indecisiveness. I told you I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you, that I wasn’t ready for any type of commitment, but we could still fuck. I think the most thing that struck me about you was you were so grown up about it all you literally gave me a choice that I had never been given before by any girl that wanted to be with me so bad.

No. You were different you gave me choice and you wanted me to stick to my choice and not be so indecisive about things. But I was a fool, I was a kid. I was a sexually driven dyke (lesbian) who loved fucking girls and I knew even though I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you I wanted to fuck you so bad and that choice you gave me ended up giving me just that. You told me we can be fuck buddies, you didn't mind, but that that would be all we could be if I chose it. You didn't want me changing my mind. And that was that.

It was easy at first, but then it happened that life-changing moment everyone always talks about…it changed everything. It made the lie I told you, the one I convinced myself into believing that I didn't want anything serious with you, dissipate. It was the spark that lighted the fire.

Do you remember our first kiss?

I remember it like it was yesterday, God knows I wish it was. I remember we were sitting in the library with your friends. I didn’t like them, but I was there for you. I remember looking at you, really looking at you and everything just kind of disappearing like blurring out the world around and you were the only one being focused specifically for my eyes only. Weeks had passed already and our relationship had developed more and more and at this point, it dawned on me you...had me. That I know was true. We still hadn’t fucked yet even though we had pledged to one another that is what we would and could do only.

You had me. My heart was yours even though I tried so hard not to believe it; to not give it to you so willingly, but you made it so easy you were everything I ever wanted at that point in my young life. You were so beautiful and funny and kind..you still are.

I followed you to the restroom that was in the Q building adjacent to the library. In a dirty, orange colored three stall restroom that was our first real touch. It became our own personal treehouse; sanctuary. It was the moment that changed it all.

I remember so vividly hovering close to your face with mine, pushing you gently against the stall and laying my lips on yours for the first time. At first, it was aggressive your tongue rolling on mine and mine on yours. Our mouths fully engulfed in eachother's, but then the tempo changed. We both felt something, unlike anything we’d ever felt before, at least I did.

Your lips they were like heaven, they were soft and gentle and when we slow kissed, it clicked in my head. That spark everyone always talks about in the movies and in books, it was real because I felt it at that moment. I felt my heart beat so fast my stomach tangle up then just release as if something had been thrown off my shoulders as if a weight was lifted. I remember moaning simply because of how good your mouth tasted how much I craved your breath as we breathed in our tiny sanctuary of a restroom in a tiny place in our tiny world. I felt my hands wrap around your thin waist and oh, how I loved how perfectly you fit in my arms as we embraced for the first time. I knew it was real, because the entire time I kissed you, I didn’t open my eyes for a second, I didn’t want to, I wanted them closed so tight just so my sense of touch could enjoy every second your lips were wrapped in mine.

You were perfect, my love.

You are perfect.

That was it for me. That was the push the leap that one takes when you fall hard and fast and deeply in love with another human. She was my human now and I hers.

But every good thing, eventually, runs its course.