The Foolproof Method for Landing Your Crush

Wondering if that cutie from across the cafe is into you? Here are the five things you need to do to get his attention.

Step 1: Talk to Him

Is he looking intently at the book he's reading? Like so intently that it almost seems forced? So intently that you get the impression he's not even reading, he's just desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with you? Well guess what, that's because he IS trying to avoid making eye contact with you. He's so overwhelmed by his feelings for you that he'd rather pretend to read that Nick Hornby novel than look at you! That is what we in the business call a good sign. He's just a shy little baby and he needs some encouragement! Make that sexy little, shy little baby comfortable and go talk to him!

Step 2: Give Him a Compliment

So you've decided to talk to him? Excellent! But what do you say? That one's easy—start with a compliment. Everyone loves a good compliment. The best part about compliments is that they don't even have to be true. You can say literally anything about him and as long as it makes him feel good, he'll love it! Tell him he's an amazing kisser. Haven't kissed him yet? Doesn't matter! He's gonna love hearing it! Men, like blown glass or my self-esteem, are super fragile. Affirming their sexual prowess is a sure way to win their fragile little strong and supple little baby hearts. Fluff that ego a bit! Tell him he has like, really broad shoulders (men love feeling broad and strong like a tree or a WWE wrestler). Or tell him his butt is super firm (for this one just say you've been staring at it through his gym shorts and you can just tell that thing is TIGHT). Compliments: you literally can't go wrong!

Step 3: Make Meaningful Eye Contact

So he's feeling good about himself. Success! Now it's time for something a little deeper. This is the step where you really penetrate him- right in the heart. I read an article in the New York Times once about how if you stare into someone's eyes for four minutes (maybe?) they'll develop feelings for you. Now, this was three years ago and I've killed a lot of brain cells since then, but doesn't this just seem true? Like, how often do you actually look into someone's eyes? Doing it for four minutes is a super vulnerable act. And nothing makes falling in love easier than catching a man when he's vulnerable. Time to pounce! Once you compliment him, IMMEDIATELY stop speaking. Re-center your gaze and look right into those sweet little sexy infant eyes. If he tries to speak, stop him. Sensually put a finger over his lips and stare at him even more intensely so he knows to stop speaking. You're already communicating non-verbally! This, my friends, is true love. Stare at him for four full minutes, or until you have to pee. Step complete!

Step 4: Make Physical Contact

By this point he should be feeling something pretty special deep down inside. But more than that, he's probably feeling something even more special in his bathing suit area (if you catch my drift). At this point in the process, he's probably almost fully in love with you and just itching to express his passion in a more physical way. Basically, he wants do sex at you! He wants touch your skin with his skin and rub his tongue all over your face and then gently honk your breast because he is in an erotic rage! Let him know that you are also ready to take that step by giving him a small sign of physical affection. I'm talking little things, like gently pulling at his leg hair or tweaking his love handles. Something that lets him know "What you're feeling—I'm feeling to. I want to make sweet love to you and that is okay."

Step 5: Make a Commitment

In some cultures, you'd already be engaged at this point. Congratulations! He's into you! Now it's time to make a more formal declaration of your love. To do so, simply take out your handcuffs and slap one cuff over his thick and dainty wrist and lock that bad boy in place. Then lock the other cuff over your wrist. The handcuffs serve as a symbol of your eternal commitment! Plus, now he can't get away. Once you're both firmly secured, take the key, and swallow it. Then eat a large pizza, the largest one you can find, one that is absolutely covered in tomato sauce, and digest it as quickly as possible. As we all know, tomatoes are super acidic. The acid in the tomato sauce from the pizza will dissolve the key in your stomach (possibly? probably?) and then he will know there's no turning back. You lovebirds are together forever. Or until he finds a hacksaw and slices himself free. But in those four to seven minutes before the police arrive and charge you for attempted kidnapping, you'll know the genuine thrill and ecstasy of finally landing your crush.