The “Gay” Life

I know you're probably wondering, “TWO pretty faces? MARRIED?! Something can’t be right,” but no... it’s where we belong.

I’m beyond happy to stand where I stand today, to say I’m a lesbian and I’m happy with the life I live and the shoes I walk in. Most people will say they were born gay, but I think I’m mature enough to say when I realized my sexuality was different then the other little girls around me. Back when I was in kindergarten, we had nap time where you get a blue pad to lay on and grab your blanket. Everyone grabbed their blankets while I grabbed the closet blue cot to a girl I thought at the time would like me (some little girl who is now irrelevant). The point was, I knew then at a young age that something was different about me and I mustn’t show face too soon to my parents. So years flew by, where I’m now in middle school. My mom moved us (my little brother, who was diagnosed with autism as a baby, myself, and my mother) to Motel 6. She was a single mom who tried her best to raise her two kids with no help, not even from the men who helped bring us into this world. But anyways, it was my first day at school and I was really nervous being that we were homeless and this was a NO UNIFORM policy middle school, so you just wore your whole wardrobe to school, and being that we were practically homeless, I had but so many options to choose from for school. My first period was science and in front of me sat a girl I could actually say was the word beautiful. She smiled like no other, her hair looked so soft as if it didn’t needed to be touched, and everyone except me knew of this girl. Her name was Angel (who is now my wife). I was so nervous to speak to her the way everyone else was, so comfortable with speaking to her—I just wished I could do the same. So I wrote her a note, and only 1 minute later she wrote me back... she liked me just as much as I liked her. The first thing that came to mind was my mother.

Now, as a child, you always care what someone thinks. It could be their mother, friends, teacher, or even a stranger. So, you must take the words you use towards your child as a serious repercussion, or when they grow to get older it will stick with them like glue.

So with that being said, I didn’t tell my mother anything about what I was finding out when it came to my sexuality, because growing up, she always made so many comments, like, “Don’t come home pregnant,” or, “I don’t know what I’d do if one of my kids turned gay,” and one comment that stuck with me forever was, “We don’t have gay in our family.” Well, if we don’t have any gay in our family, does that make me a stranger? I was never comfortable with talking to my mom about anything dealing with school because I figured I’d slip up about Angel and she’d transfer me to another school, or maybe even worse; maybe she’d send me to a boarding school.

After middle school, I went through a trial of boys. Now, when I say a trial, I mean I was the biggest player when it came to guys. All the guys in high school wanted to sleep with me, but never got a chance being that I’m gay, but wasn’t out the closet as of yet. Have I had sex with a boy before? Yes. Was it sexual-healing involved? No. Being with a guy feels weird to me, weird like seeing two big buff guys making out. Now I may have a pretty face, but when it comes to physical appearance, there's nothing better than a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman. My 16th year on Earth, I had something to prove. I wanted to prove the world that I did NOT care what anyone thought of me or whoever I was interested in. I started off by letting my mother know.

My mother came to me asking if I was gay. The only way she could have known was if my older sister told her. I only told my sister because I needed someone to tell the life I was living to, and that someone was my sister, whom at the time I trusted. So, I told my mom that I was gay!

The first thing that she asked was, “Have I failed you as a mother?!” Then from that moment on, our relationship has never been the same.

That day was 4 years ago.

My mother has blocked me all over social media. I am now married with kids. Over 1,000 days have passed and I still would love for her to meet her new daughter-in-law and grandkids. Please DON'T let your child's, friend's, or whoever you know's sexuality determine your relationship with one another. Your sexuality isn’t what determines the type of person you are; it’s the kind of heart you have that determines the person.

I miss my mother every day and wish she would understand I’m happy where I stand, and if I died tomorrow, I died happy with the life I’ve grown into.

Life is about finding your inner happiness.

Find it and GROW!

Never care what anyone thinks.

A thought doesn’t count for anything if you don’t change something in this world with your “thought.”