The Girlfriend Experience Part 1

It's always the way, isn't it, that when good friends realise how very single you really are, they try to help in any way that they can with advice that probably isn't necessary or helpful at all. Just because you're telling me that I should give nice guys a chance and put myself out there more doesn't mean it's going to work. Who's to say that I'm not already doing that?

I am.

I doesn't work.

I've tried dating the cute guys. I've tried dating the smart guys. The geeky but weirdly attractive guys. The short guys. The tall guys. EVERY GUY. All of the nice guys. Unfortunately if you're nice, the chances of me fancying you are most likely zero to none; but the point here is that I've tried.

When I was at the youthful age of 18 and had been single for a mere year (my, how time flies), my best friend of the time decided that I needed to try online dating. Obviously as she was a slightly older teenager who had already had sex with THREE MEN, lived in another European city and jumped from boy to boy since the age of thirteen, I felt completely inexperienced in comparison. So I took her shrewd advice and joined OKCupid. This lead to a series of very awkward encounters with 4 different boys and bunch of contacts in my phone that have the last name OKC. One turned up with adult braces and a handwritten letter. I'm going to be honest, that wasn't a great date. Nothing came of any of them and my confidence dropped to an all time low. Online dating is evil, WHY DIDN'T I LEARN?

Recently I went out with the most average of tinder men. I should probably say average of boys; I just feel weird referring to guys who are the same age as me as men, because that means admitting that I am a woman and not in fact a shy 14 year-old girl trapped in the body of a twenty-something year old (question for another time: do we ever really feel our age?). Anyway, getting back to this average boy: he was relatively cute and could potentially be referred to as lovely. For two months he was sweet. Yes I wasn't looking at him and in my head thinking "tear my clothes off" but, realistically, there was some chemistry. We got on, conversation was good, the sex was better. Really good actually. Ok that's the real reason why I kept seeing him. Overall and essentially: He was nice.

But the whole time, my friends who were in glorious relationships were like "chill babe; love comes with time; give him a chance; I didn't fancy (insert name of other half) for like 3 months when we first got together, sexual chemistry is so important, it might turn in to something." So with this information in hand I did just that, I gave him a chance. I spent some of my very precious time with a guy that I personally could never get very excited about; when instead I could have been watching the third season of The O.C. and eating all of the things. And ultimately the guy that I didn’t ever really like to begin with, but never the less tried with, ended up wanting this unrealistic ideal that I just wasn’t prepared to give him. He wanted all the best bits of me without giving anything in return. He wanted, wait for it... The girlfriend experience. He wanted all the best bits of a relationship without the commitment and the effort. His literal words were "I'd still like to hang out with you in the future and get drinks and talk, because we get on really well, and also still have sex" and because I'm me and I struggle desperately with self confidence, I said, "Ok, well stay over at mine tonight and then we can see what happens."

But then this miraculous thing happened. He went to the bathroom, while I went upstairs to hurriedly tidy my tip of a room. Suddenly I had the few seconds of time that I needed to stew in my thoughts and remarkably I found the words “Fuck No” surfacing in my brain.

They floated up there ever so slowly, but boy did I grasp on to them once I realised what was actually going on.

"Errmm... so (insert name of average boy), I've changed my mind. I don't want you to stay here tonight, please leave."

FINALLY. A WIN FOR ME.

From now on I'm calling things as I see them. So sorry friends, but next time I'm going with my gut. Because at least when I listen to that, I know if he's a twat.

Rhyme totally intended.