The Great Loves of My Life

I'm lucky to have experienced a lot of love in my life– beginning with loving parents and a caring, involved extended family, right up to now, with my husband and close network of friends. Throughout our lives, we're often told that marriage (or an equivalent) is the ultimate expression of the ultimate love. However, having experienced a healthy, monogamous marriage as well as many other variants of what we call love, I've seen again and again how platonic love is far, far underrated.

Where we use the word "love" to denote a wide range of distinct feelings (I love sunsets, my camera collection, and my parents all in totally different ways!), other cultures, most notably the ancient Greeks, used a variety of words to refer to the different types of "love" a person may have or experience throughout their life. Agape, the sense of goodwill toward another, or unconditional love, is spoken of as totally distinct from the concept of Philia, the affection and kindness shown to an equal. Perhaps our lack of separate words for these different concepts has stunted our cultural understanding of love, leaving us with only a single phrase to navigate through the already muddy waters of ever-changing feelings and desires. Even in a romantic partnership, our feelings for our significant other change greatly over time; from the heady throes of a new relationship to the deep, comforting nourishment of one that has lasted decades. The way we "love" a new partner is likely to be totally different from the way we "love" them years into a relationship, yet in both cases we may only say a variation of, "I love them."

Popular culture (films and novels especially!) tend to focus totally on the apparently life-changing wonders of romantic love. There is far less conversation around the every-day, reaffirming loveliness of deep and genuine friendship. We are social creatures and our capacity to form many different types of relationships is a wonderful aspect of being human. If we totally preoccupy ourselves with the desire for only one type of love, we risk losing out on all the other types of relational joy that are available to us; from the small but positive interaction with the friendly barista who remembers your order, to the years-long friendship with your childhood pals who remember all of your funniest moments. Where the "great love" of your life (if you have one) may be a significant part of who you are, our "great loves" weave themselves into our personality with a steadfastness no less than the most ardent of romances– if we let them.

Think of the friends who come round to visit you when you're duvet-cocooned and crying; or the ones who've spent their nights on the phone, reassuring you that life is worth living. It's the friends who make you a birthday t-shirt with your shared favourite film quote on it, or who get joyfully rosé drunk with you on sunny afternoons. The friends who came to your graduation, your housewarming party, your yard sale.... The friends with whom you can chat for hours, the conversation gleefully skipping from old memories to shared fears and life's big questions, before you both pass out on the couch watching cat videos.

These friends may be siblings, cousins, co-workers, roommates, or just the people you've met as you walk through life. In an era where we're increasingly connected but more lonely than ever, it's so important to cherish these relationships. Put work into your platonic relationships, be as intentional as you would with a new romantic partner, and enjoy as your love and friendships grow and deepen.

Next time you're wondering why life hasn't brought you more romantic intimacy, turn to the wonderful people around you and give them your love instead.