The Grief of a Girl Whose Friend Committed Suicide

In this world we all learn about death and how grief affects us differently. I've dealt with a lot of death and funerals in my life, but no one prepares you for this. Growing up in my town I was introduced to suicide in middle school when a local boy from school was bullied until he committed suicide. I feel like every parent had to hold their child a little tighter and the suicide hotline and help was taken more seriously.

August was one of the worst months of my entire life. If someone told me that on August 18 I would have to sit at my friends funeral I would have been in shock and disbelief. The sad thing was that I did have to sit through his funeral on the 18th of August at noon. The worst part of all of this is no one saw him as depressed and suicidal.

There are a million things I could tell you about my friend, but you would be reading this forever. This kid had the biggest heart of gold and the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. He would bend over backwards and let you into his life and his home if needed. He would drop everything and come and spend time with you and make you smile and laugh.

The night that changed my life was a night I didn't even pay attention to because I knew he was going to be gone forever. I felt worried and scared so I stayed offline and went to bed for work the next day. I didn't check any social media or any messages I received all day, but I sent the card for his sister at our work and said sorry for your loss. It wasn't until I got home and ate dinner that I finally knew you were gone.

Every single friend of yours had left a comment on your goodbye and I wish you could have read them all. If I could take back anything it would be that I never realized that you were struggling so hard and that you thought there wasn't anything left. The people that loved you and would do anything to have you come back to us, we all wish we could take away your pain like you helped us with ours.

The first day was a blur since I blocked everything out. The second day was acceptance of the situation at hand, but that wasn't coming easy at all. Work was the part of it all because I had to smile and pretend everything was okay when I was numb inside. The third day was one of the worst because every song I heard and every memory of you flooded through my head and made me wish I could talk to you and hug you. The fourth day was just like the others, but the numbness was fully taking over my brain. I was a walking zombie that felt no emotions and couldn't cry because I was in denial.

Every day was the same up until the day of your funeral. Saturday, August 18, I woke up in the morning and got dressed for your funeral and messaged my friends to meet up and ride together. Walking into the church, I couldn't believe how full it was of everyone that you loved and saw as your own family. The service was so beautiful and no one had a dry eye in that church that day. We dedicated as much time as possible for anyone who needed to get up and share a memory about you and they talked about how when you walked into the room, everything stopped and everyone was so happy to see you there. You were the brightest light in our lives.

Now it comes to the part of today, only 14 days after your funeral and now I am still grieving. I have hit the stage of denial and I haven't been able to get out yet. I regret everything I never said to you and never realizing the pain that you were in. I still think about you everyday and I still feel a little numb inside. I just wish that I could say everything I never said to you. I know this will take a long time for me to fully heal. Regret is what I have right now and I hope I can overcome the thoughts that I regret not telling you, but for now I'm taking it one day at a time.