The Hardest Year of My Life

October 31st

Tonight is the night of Joelle’s Halloween party. This is the last Halloween party that we will go to as high schoolers. This is it. Our senior year. I'm excited to finally get out of the house and store tonight. i am always working or doing school work it seems. I can finally relax and have some fun. Anyways, tonight Ash and I are going to be goth for Halloween. She calls herself the Dark Queen of the damned. I say I’m the Empress of the Undead.

November 1st

Last night was interesting. Luke was there. Just like I had expected. He dressed up as a pastor… how ironic?! But Luke said like two words to me and then went around the entire party and flirted with every girl there. But why should that bother me? It’s not like we are dating or anything. We are just friends with benefits after all. But he seems to be the only one getting the benefits here. Back to the party… So we are having a good time and all. Then, I ran into Chilly and he’s going on and on about how he’s surprised to see me at a party. It makes sense since everyone knows that I devote all my life to doing homework and helping out at my Dad’s work. I guess you could say I am a good girl. I ranked number 4 in our class last year and I worked my butt off for that. I’m aiming to rank number 1 by graduation. People like to think I’m this goody-goody since I skipped a grade and don’t have a bad reputation like most of the girls at school. Back to the party, so I was planning on calling things off with Luke and I ran into him in the hallway. He immediately pulled me into one of the bedrooms and was trying to kiss me and stuff. I finally tell him I want to call things off. He seemed pretty upset and then he kisses me. I think to myself that this is it. We are done after this. I want to make him feel as vulnerable as I do. So I dropped to my knees in front of him and the rest is history.

November 3rd

I told Ash about the party and what happened with Luke. We got in an argument but we are over it. All day long, I was getting sexual remarks and weird looks from people. I just figured that Luke was running his mouth again. But I was wrong. So wrong. Someone is sending a picture around of me and Luke from the party. A picture that someone took while I was doing things with Luke… I am convinced that Luke had planned this all out. I am so embarrassed. I feel so naive and used. Ash tried to get me to skip school with her after that but I had a test and that was more important. When I got home, I knew my mom could tell that something was wrong. I was getting emails and instant messages telling me that I’m a slut and asking me if I could “suck them off” etc. Then, when I went downstairs for dinner my dad was standing there with a picture that said “Look at Your Little Girl Now."

November 5th

I went from being Daddy’s straight A, angel to the slut of the house in a heartbeat. My dad can't even look at me. I regret ever doing that with Luke. But how could I have known that something so little was going to be publicized. I feel even more idiotic for falling in love with that dumb boy. Things will go on and everyone will forget about it though right?

November 8th

I went to Drama Club today to try and get things off of my mind. But no one could stop giving me nasty looks and talking about me the whole time. The only one who wasn't was Ms. Godwin and Joelle. Joelle even yelled at some of the kids! Haha, it was great! I was only there to figure out what the play was and if I was building the set again. I just want to be able to build the play now. That’s my one escape. I love building things. I never want to do anything anymore. I never want to go home, or go to school, or anything. But building things is different. Oh yeah, and I have also decided to dye my hair. I'm going all black. I need a change and maybe this will disguise me for a little bit.

November 10th

I’ve spent the past few days trying to avoid my parents and this situation. All they ever try to talk about is Luke or the picture. They even made me a doctors appointment so I can get checked out. Which sounds terrifying to me. I don't want some random person touching me down there! Yuck! My parents just seem so disappointed in me and their entire thoughts have changed about me too.

November 14th

I feel like a new person. I finally dyed my hair last night. I went from straight blonde to black. This look actually seems believable, like I’m a different person. A new Audrey. Like I never did anything with Luke and I am still the goody-goody that everyone knows. I finally feel at peace. It was the first night I had been able to sleep in weeks too. But then, this morning when my parents saw me, I could tell they did not approve. My dad especially. I don’t care about what they think though. Today is Sunday and we usually go to church regularly. But today my dad is really pushing it. I couldn’t handle sitting there listening to the pastor give all these guilt trips. I hated it. It was terrible.

November 20th

Everyone has started talking about me and the picture again. Things died down a little bit after I had dyed my hair but it’s all back now. On top of it, it turns out the my nasty ex-boyfriend, Chilly, is the one who had taken the picture of us. When he told me, I punched him. I got sent to the principals and even he knew about the picture. It’s like I’m living a nightmare. Then, Ash and I got into a fight at lunch so now I am sitting with the sluts, Pam and Cindy, where I belong.

November 27th

I am actually starting to be friends with Pam and Cindy now. They aren’t as bad as I had thought. Ash and Joelle had joined us at lunch today. It’s us 5 now. We are all planning on hanging out. We spend most of our conversations talking about sex, boys and “Slut City”. Even though it’s a bad topic for me! I like being able to talk to someone about this though. It’s nice.

December 15th

Not much has happened lately. I’ve just been hanging with the group and working on the set for Hamlet. People don’t talk about the picture as much. I’m relieved but I’m still hurting from it. I haven’t talked to Luke. I’m slowly losing interest in things still though. I just want to be okay. Good news is that my dad and I spent some time together and are getting along a little more now. He taught me how to drive… well at least tried to.

January 5th

So since it’s the beginning of the year, that means that classes are ending. I don’t have to deal with Chilly in history anymore and I couldn’t be happier! My birthday is coming up soon too. The group wants to go get dressed up and go to a club. I don’t really like that idea. But we’ll see. Report cards came too. I am ranking 3/314 so far this year! I’m almost happy with that. But there’s still a lot of work to do.

February 9th

I know I don’t really write in here very much now. But nothing important has really happened. I got my license today since it’s my birthday! Still getting a cold shoulder from Luke. But what’s new?

March 4th

We all went to Drama Club today. Ms. Godwin is doing Grease for the spring musical. Ms. Godwin wasn’t very nice to me tonight. She even makes a comment about the picture. I was furious. Out of all people, I would have never expected Ms. Godwin to be the one to say some of the things she had said about me. I left the auditorium and ended up running into my favorite person in the hallway… Luke. We got into a fight. He made me realized that I was in the wrong though. I had been the one ignoring him at school. But it’s not my fault he never made an effort to try. He also admits that he actually likes me. I can’t believe it…

April 24th

I got two acceptance letters to Columbia and Cooper Union. I already know that I am going to go study architecture in New York. I wasn’t as happy as I should be. We go to church again today. I still couldn't handle listening to the pastor and his ridiculous sex-shaming guilt trips. All he talks about makes me think about Luke and the one time we had sex. It was meaningless. But it sure as hell caused some feelings to form. After church, I went to the store with the group and we all sat there and talked. We decided we are all going to born again virgins. Who cares what other people are saying about us? We are going to just worry about ourselves and forget about the past.

Later, I went and talked to my dad about how we wanted to use the fancy wedding gowns as our prom dresses. I tried on one that really made me look good but it was over my dad’s circumstances. So I showed him. He was shocked. We both had a really good conversation. I even broke down crying as we hugged. I never thought my dad and I would do this again. I was so happy.

May 28th

Prom night. The night went perfectly! We strutted our way in there and made sure everyone got a good look of us. I went with Pam out to her car later in the night so she could have a cigarette and she pulled out her camera… showing me the picture that she took of me and Luke. I could not believe that it was her! I was becoming best friends with my worst nightmare. I could never forgive her. I was beyond angry. She sent it because she was jealous of me. Since I was doing the same things she was doing but not everyone knew about it. That’s most definitely not an excuse though. This was supposed to be a good night, and it still was. Even though I was furious… I still didn’t mind that much.. I don’t know what’s going on with me.

June 5th

I ranked 2/314 at graduation. I rocked my salutation speech too. I talked about how despite everything that had happened I learned from it all. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it didn’t. Even though I still wish that picture never got sent around. I’m just putting everything in the past. I’m so happy senior year is over. That was a rollercoaster.

June 6th

Luke showed up at my house today. We sat on my porch and talked about each other. We are going to work on things and actually take the time to get to know each other. I couldn’t be happier with how things are going. I graduated number two in my class, I rocked my salutation speech, I’m working things out with the boy I’ve fallen in love with, and all the events of my senior year are over.. I’m proud what it made me though. Now onto the more important parts of my life.