The Inner Divide of PMDD

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder has a long list of symptoms associated with it. Perhaps one of the most disconcerting to our sense of self is the division it can create within our perspective. When we are symptom free, for example, our relationships can hum along even in the face of difficult challenges. Bring on the symptoms, though, and all of a sudden our tolerance for any trouble evaporates to the point of wishing for and sometimes acting on our freedom from those same relationships. Friends look like enemies. Lovers look like cheaters. Family becomes a target.

Some would say that PMDD brings up truths that we are not willing to face about these relationships when we are feeling better. They say that until we deal with those things, we'll continue to suffer from PMDD month after month. I'm not debating that there is some truth to this. I just don't think it is the whole truth. It is far too simplistic. And there's nothing simple about relationships.

I know well the yo-yo sensations dysphoria can bring. From month to month, I can be so in love with my partner, charmed by his smile and kind eyes, to the point of listening to music in the car, when he's not even there, feeling romantic thinking of him. But when the PMDD switch switches, even my perception of his face can change. I see some kind of gargoyle. I'm ready to pack my bags and hire the lawyer.

I know I'm not alone. And I know that I've been more fortunate than many of my sisters who also live with PMDD. Somehow, I've managed to reign myself in again and again, preventing an actual divorce. When we don't understand that what is happening is a result of our dysphoria, we might take irreversible actions we'll later regret. Even when we do know where it is coming from, it can be so confusing and painful for both sides. My husband certainly has been weather-beaten by doubt: Does she love me or not? Should we stick with it or pack it in? Can I deal with this or not?

I think that time has been a critical factor to our survival as a couple. After so many years, he no longer takes me seriously when I tell him I want a divorce. I no longer take myself all that seriously either. What we once used to sling at each with the fervor of intense frustration has become a source for humor. In fact, I don't say even say it anymore unless I'm making light of my former delusions.

I know not every couple, friendship, or family member will make it through the relational difficulties brought on by PMDD, let alone the complexities of life. Not every couple is meant to. But if you seriously want to try to weather the PMDD Love/Hate Switch, I'll share something that has helped me tremendously.

I've finally found a little peace in realizing that neither pole is true, but just a package of thoughts, sensations, and emotions... one that "convinces" I ought to leave and the other that "romanticizes" I want to stay. That world of opposites is a dizzying one if we think we are that person actually believing and thinking in accordance with a particular packet. One is certainly easier to live with, but it's still just a package of thoughts, sensations, and emotions. Romanticizing or putting someone on a pedestal is truly no better than making them the brunt of our frustrations.

I'm learning to hold both of these "experience packets" equally so that they actually cancel each other out, and beneath that I find something more true: I am where I am. He is where he is. Love is always present here. Everything on the outside of that is subject to fluctuation.

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