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For a very large portion of my life, I've felt like I'm just kind of here. Just existing. I've had this feeling for a while, but more recently, it's been hitting harder. It's hard for me to feel this way and not know why, so I put some thought into it. And I realized something, I don't fit in. I just don't. I have never in my life been somewhere where I can just say, "This. This is where I belong." I tried to find it through religion, nothing changed, tried to find it through my family, no such luck, tried attending college, to no avail. The closest I have come to feeling whole is when I am with my wonderful husband. This is one of the reasons I love him so much, I am able to be me around him and I don't have to worry about fitting in. No where else do I ever feel this way, and that's a hard way to live my life.
I'm the fourth out of five children. This leaves me in no significant place as I'm not the oldest, or the youngest, or the middle. I'm also not the only girl, and not only that, but I'm not the oldest girl either. Here, I just exist among my siblings. My extended family is no different, though we are very close, there is no one my age, leaving me in a different place in my life than everyone else around me. I've always been the obnoxious younger cousin, or the intrusive older cousin. Not really the best place to be.
Religion is an interesting aspect of my life. I was expected to go my whole life meaning, my parents and all of my brothers, are very faithful church-goers; my sister chose a different path and practices religion in her own way. For me, I'm still trying to find my beliefs. I've found it's a different experience when I choose to go to church myself instead of being taken by my parents.
School is where you are supposed to be social and find friends that have the same interests and you get along with right? Not me. I don't feel like I've had friends that truly understand me. Every time I try to start to be myself, it seems as though this is about the point when they tell me they no longer want me to be in their lives. This has happened on multiple occasions and it makes it harder to open up to the next person. But is it really just who I am? Maybe, but more likely in the way that people don't know how to interact with me, I'm too interpolated. Many times those around me find it hard to reflect with my experiences, thoughts, and feelings, making it hard for them to be around me as they find we have nothing in common. However, this is not the truth as we probably have quite a few things in common, our intents of expression are just different enough that they make it hard to relate.
I'm just a person, that's just here. Somewhere lost in the in between of everyone else and the world. I'm not one thing, but I'm not another either. I'm not an introvert, and I'm not an extrovert. (I'm an ambivert!) I never seem to be THAT person. The person with something to set them apart, like having the best advice, every time. I'm never the best friend, or the first choice. I don't lead, but I don't follow. I don't fit in, but I don't stand out. Even my most loved hobbies and pastimes, don't put me in a position to be known or noticed. And the worst part? I don't know what to do. And so I'm just here, floating through life, thinking maybe, maybe something will come along and I'll say this. This is where I belong. Maybe it will be as a wife, maybe as a mother, maybe I have no idea what it'll be. Who knows? I guess my only hope is that the answer lies in my future, and one day I'll find that answer.