The Key

I’ve been in the process of discovery regarding symbols and perspective in regards to time. The most recent totem being a simple key. This key was given by my love shorty after we started dating, or possibly slightly before. At first the key represented something special and light, a totem showing trust and devotion. It felt light and almost magical in my pocket, like something really new, close, and special was entering my life. At this point I had not stopped to question why such a small token sparked these feelings. I continued down the path of the lack of examination for a while, until I started noticed something strange. This bright key started to become tarnished and heavy, like a rock had been fastened to my key chain without permission. It was a troubling pull of reality on my mind.

Why did this become so heavy? Why did I see a tarnished artifact instead of a magical gift? Where did those feelings go? I spent some time with myself, digging further and further to expose some sort of root. When I looked at the key I sensed feelings of control, maybe to quell a sense of uncertainty felt by my partner. This small symbol has a pretty large message. I don’t assume the intention behind the gesture before I decide to exhume all of my deep feelings surrounding the entire idea. I returned the key, surely a trigger for the two people involved. I felt guilt, but I also felt that I needed to fully separate myself from the key in order to freely explore the feelings rising to the surface.

I do not fall in to relationships easily. The beginning is the hardest time for me, admittedly due to past traumas and situations that have left me feeling controlled and/or taken advantage of. It takes me quite some time to decide if the union is what I actually want, along the way checking in to make sure I haven’t idealized and made a romance novel out of nothing. Being a person of abstract thoughts most of my days, I’m aware of my ability to write a story I want, instead of seeing clearly the story that is currently written in front of me. This is where the heaviness started making sense. I started to feel that this key may be a surrogate for my commitment in the relationship. As if to say, “this symbolizes you entering my life intimately.” It almost felt as if I had agreed to something that I had not been asked, and this felt very heavy. In the beginning I felt it was special just like most of us have felt in the “honeymoon” phase. Talking about homes, dog’s names, and the color walls we would have. These beautiful pictures we painted started to feel like nothing but still life. I had reached a point at which I realized the words will not be anything more than just that if no practical application was put in to place. I sat in this feeling for a while. Had I been deceived? By myself? This elephant in the room wasn’t getting smaller, and I could barely find space to stand.

This seems to be all about a relationship (which it half way is), but this became more about the self, and what I wanted from today and the next day. The fantasy art pieces we loved to create about our life together started to lose their meaning. They started to feel like a business idea that promised so much, but no one was willing to take the wheel and drive the idea in to reality. Quickly this part of my relationship became a house of ideas, with no practical application. All the while I thought we were building something, but that was not the case. This feeling can be disheartening and defeating, but I saw a great opportunity in it.

I feel that this is a very common type of doubt and struggle in any relationship. A union grows out of a phase (fantasizing about the future, for example) and starts looking for a way to get to the next point. I’ve seen this type of feeling so easily manipulated in to ultimatums and tension between people. So, I decided to think about what the next point might be, in my mind. If I am being truly honest with myself, it is not about the idea, but more about moving the relationship back on to a path for building practically. I started to think about what kind of answer I wanted to hear and it became so simple. If we want to continue idealizing we also can have a practical plan of bringing these creations to life, or we can decide when to revisit these ideas and shift our practical application to something more attainable at the present moment (like productive arguing). I realized there isn’t a right or wrong answer I’m looking for, I just need something tangible. I need tools to start building again.