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The LGBTQuestion: 'Who Am I?'

A Query Within a Facebook Group Got Me to Thinking...

By LP SteinbeckPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Laughing It Up at Winchester Bay, Oregon June 2014

I knew I was different, though the only clue of a name was a chapter titled "In Amerika They Call Us Dykes" that I read when I was seven. I wasn't attracted to boys when other girls were, yet wildly curious to know what everyone looked like beneath their clothes, and a big fan of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines about the age of eleven.

My disgust and fear of sex with men was pronounced, though I could easily have them as friends, working mostly with men, wearing men's clothes, listening to and taking part in their banter. I had one brief relationship with another girl when I was 17, and she was married, and then relegated to the closeted life. I was helping to raise my much younger brothers, and my mother, whom I had come out to at age 16 as "lesbian or bisexual," warned me to "put away whatever that is" because we were raising young men.

Was she afraid they would become lesbians?

I remained celibate. I flirted heavily with women, all women, in my customer service position. Women told me they wished their husbands and boyfriends could excite them as much or would say such things.

I madly desired to start at top or bottom of any one of these fine ladies, and didn't. The fear of many things built up within me, and not knowing what ill could come of it. I seemed to be attracted to unavailable, hetero women (?!?!)... Possibly linked to my mother's list of successive affairs with unavailable men? Unknown. Psyche class dismissed.

I became, of all things, a beauty consultant, hoping to have "healthier" experiences with women, or at least learn how to speak with them without sitting in a puddle. But, sex sells, and I did well with my edgy sexy talk, turning it only a bit to remove some of my extreme lust for many clients.

It was heaven; it was hell.

The brothers grew up, my mother passed away, and I got fairly deep into my faith, feeling only God must love me, but why make me so hungry for this?! I remained closeted, even filling out the desire for a boyfriend and/or husband on a personal prayer list that others would see.

One night in a semi-snarky prayer, I asked if it "would always be just YOU, me, and the cats."

The next day, I looked across the warehouse and saw a man that was tall, and everything I had never desired, only... I wanted him, feeling it so deeply. I was disappointed, knowing I could NEVER get a man so elegant as he, and he did a dance move and continued walking as I watched, and it simply looked cool, so cool.

Weeks passed, and I told him I wanted to get to know him, and we went out that night. Our date lasted 15 hours, and at the end, I had no idea what food he liked, or movies, favorite color... NOPE, it was a real conversation. We almost married the next day, and then did marry four days after the first date. I knew nothing of men. I learned. He knew everything about me. He was the first person that showed me 100 percent love and acceptance, and when I told him I had no name for what I was, he said, "You're human, with feelings. I don't think it's right to separate people with names based on their feelings. You are human. Too many people throughout history have been categorized and persecuted. The only name you need is the one your mom gave you."

I asked how he felt about being the only man I had ever wanted or loved, and he said,

"I'm glad it was me."

He passed away in March of last year. He was 33 years older than I, and yes, we made love every day possible.

We both looked at women, appreciating their beauty, and I had no want of other men during the nine years of our marriage. The day he died, I was terrified of being closeted again, alone, and didn't know what would happen, now that the only full love and full acceptance of who I was was gone.

I feel deeply for both sexes now, but if you're an incurable ass, your beauty means nothing to me. I love too much, perhaps, completely liberal and easy going, discussing sex easily. I stunned them at church, and they quit talking to me, only because I missed the comforting sex play I had while married.

Were they all hatched? Bunch of old biddies; they need to get laid!

I am who I am. I am... a delicious vegan, and if you get a little closer, I most assuredly will be curious to see what pleasure I can bring to you.

lgbtq
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