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I've made a mistake. A grave mistake.... I have done something that I don't even agree with. For years there has been someone who I loved, but we always narrowly missed one another. Now, in all fact, our time has come and it has gone. But as of late, we have been selfish, and deceitful. This man does not belong to me, and probably honestly will never belong to me. I will not elaborate on that but we shouldn't have taken the time that we did.
Regardless of those facts, I have enjoyed my time with him. Now, do I know that Karma is going to bite me in the ass??? Hell yeah! I am expecting it. But sadly I can't take back whatever emotions this man has stirred in me. He was my first real boyfriend when I moved back up here. He was sweet and polite, and looked at me like I was the world to him. I'd never been looked at like that. But It has been 9 years since and we have been friends for years. But the tension, that tension never left. It was heavy, and almost suffocating, but in a wonderful way.
Yes, yes, I know that I sound terrible. I do not need anyone to tell me that I should feel nothing but friendship for this person, I know that. But I've always loved him to some degree. We just never got the real chance to be IN LOVE with one another. So again, selfishly, we took the time. And it was.... more than what I'd ever imagined it to be. He is still the same man I knew when we were just kids riding around on BMX bikes because we couldn't leave the block we lived on. I was fresh from Arizona, and he was the only guy to really appreciate everything that made up me. Even to this day, he still does those things.
How can I be in love with someone that can't possibly be fully in love with me? I told him that it is too easy to fall in love with him. With his attentiveness, and that god forsaken smile. But when I think about him now... I feel extremely guilty, and something else I can't quite put my finger on. How do we go back to acting like we were only friends when for the past weeks we have been together every single day? What is wrong with me? Never in a million years did I think that I would have gotten myself into such a sticky and messy situation. But here we are.
My question now is, where do we go from here? How do I clean up the mess we have made? Can I even clean this up? I am still gathering my feelings and getting them in order because I let myself feel something for someone that ultimately cannot give me back the same emotions. Even though he did... I almost saw a future with him and I actually wanted it. Now granted, I don't follow the same religion, but I do respect and understand it.
As a woman who knows herself, I am very disappointed in myself. One, on account of my actions. Two, because I let myself get here. And three, I would never want this done to me. And yet I have done it. So if that makes me hypocritical, then so be it. I understand it and accept it. But I am still in this makeshift limbo with him and there's nothing I can do about it. Hopefully, in the coming weeks, I will get better and be in a good enough state to just be genuinely happy for him and his family. Until then, oh what a tangled web I weave.