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In January 2015, I met a man who changed my life. I had only been single for about three or four months when I met him, therefore I was quite worried about “falling” for him too quickly. We spoke all the time and he was constantly on my mind... I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was 16 when I met him—my last year of Secondary School; the pinnacle of my education. I’d meet up with him as soon as school was over for the day, we’d go for walks, coffee, movie dates, etc., and it was, I thought, the best thing I’d ever done... the best person I’d ever met. Well you know how it goes, one thing leading on to another thing... and we had sex. It was crazy. I’d never felt like this before. It was almost as if that made the flood gates open fully and the love kicked in. I was overwhelmed.
We started dating each other and then, on February 6th 2015, it became official. Skip forward six months and that’s when the first alarm bell started ringing. At the time, my boyfriend was working for a Tree Surgery company and was very good friends with his boss. They would go out every weekend, Friday to Sunday, and get absolutely smashed. I’d never see him due to me being at school during the week. One night out in particular, he didn’t just get drunk... he decided to do a copious amount of cocaine. His drugged up antics near enough ruined our relationship. He kissed a girl behind my back, and ended up calling quits on our relationship the next morning because apparently I wasn’t making him happy anymore. We didn’t talk for a week, but ended up sorting things out and he promised me he’d never do anything like that ever again. My trust, heart, and mind were broken... but I forced myself to put my broken pieces back together to keep him happy.
Things were going good, we were spending more time together, communicating, and the arguments had subsided too. I was under the illusion that things were almost like a fairy tale... how wrong was I? He started asking things of me that made me feel uncomfortable and worthless. He wanted threesomes, one night stands, and to be able to just watch porn WHILE having sex with me. When I denied all of this, he said he wasn’t happy again and threatened to leave me—but I stood by my word and didn’t let myself slip into his demands.
And once again, we sorted things out. We spoke, I fixed my broken pieces for him. I buried my anger, broken heart, and mind for him and ONLY him. By now, he was 20 and I was 18. We were adults but still stuck in a teenage relationship. There was no trust, there was nothing but attachment. I wasn’t allowed to have any social media accounts, I wasn’t allowed male friends—gay or not. I wasn’t allowed to go out clubbing with my friends ... I wasn’t allowed to do anything that HE didn’t approve of.
I lost so many friends, and I lost myself. You know, I actually started to believe the bullshit that came out of his mouth. That I was the one who was in the wrong, that I was the one who was difficult to love...it was always me. I hated myself; I hated every INCH of my own being. “Why am I such a hard person to love?” I’d ask myself as I curled up in bed with wet pillows due to my tears. He’d always tell me that he’d prefer it if I lost weight, he’d say he didn’t find me sexually attractive due to my body—I was a size ten! I always felt like I was in a never-ending competition with every girl that walked past us down the street. It was physically and mentally draining.
September 16th 2017. The day before my 19th birthday. My boyfriend and I went on a night out with my parents and a few friends. It was all going so well, which was a shock to me, really, but it soon went downhill. I took a selfie with a 65 year old GAY MAN, my boyfriend saw me take the photo and went ballistic and ended up being thrown in a taxi by my step dad and sent home. I was humiliated. No one apart from me had seen that side of my boyfriend before, and we ended up going home soon after because the birthday vibes had been shot to pieces. The next day, which was my actual birthday, he came round to apologise and spend the day with me. He took me for a drive and we decided to head over to the local KFC to get some lunch. On our way there, we were involved in a serious car accident that nearly killed us both—birthday ruined. My boyfriend’s injuries were quite severe and required emergency reconstructive surgery to repair the damage. This, ironically, brought us closer. I say ironically because usually when bad things happen, I’d always be the one who took the blame.
It took six months for my boyfriend to fully recover from his injuries before he could return back to work as a Landscape Gardener. Just a week after he went back to work, I broke up with him because I couldn’t deal with the arguing and how badly he spoke to me. We never actually got back together, we just started dating and took things slow. He hated that he had no control over me, because I was having fun with friends and going out at weekends, which was amazing for me.
I’m sorry if this story seems so long-winded, but I promise there is a really good reason behind it, so stick with me!
I thought I’d never be able to live without my boyfriend. I thought he defined me and that without him, I’d be nothing. I’d be a mess. Then on the 7th April, me and my friend Lada met up with her work colleague, Chloe, and their two next door neighbours, Jordan and Jamie. We all went to Bournemouth beach and had a BBQ. Earlier that day, me and my “kind of” boyfriend had argued and I was totally done with him. I could feel myself being drawn towards Jamie, which was such a foreign feeling for me. He was gorgeous, funny, crazy and just so much fun to be around. I felt like a normal 19-year-old again.
The day went by and we all went back to our homes. I had a message from Jamie as soon as I got home that just said “Hello gorgeous xx” ... my heart literally jumped out of my chest. I thought to myself, If I’m feeling like this about another man then I am definitely NOT in the right relationship. So I broke it off completely with my boyfriend and followed my heart.
It’s now the 11th May and things are so good between me and Jamie. We go on nights out together which is INCREDIBLE... we go on days out, driving together ... everything. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
So the moral of the story is, no matter how long the relationship—be it three months or three years, etc... it’s always, ALWAYS possible to start over and find happiness once again. The length of a relationship does NOT determine the strength or quality of a relationship. And yes, some people may say that I’ve moved on too quickly but I am just living life, following my heart, being happy, and seeing where life takes me.
Do not let anyone tell you that you are not worth the world. You are worth everything and anything, you are a miracle and full of love. You are incredible. Do not let anyone make you feel like you’re worth any less than that.
Love should be happy. Love should be give and take, love should be FRIENDSHIP AND TRUST. Do not confuse attachment with love. They are two completely different things.
Thank you so much for reading xxx