The Past

I can't say that I've always been the best guy out there. I have my own flaws like everyone else. I struggle with myself and my own past differently then anyone else I know. I've never been very good at communicating my emotions to anyone—my friends, family, past relationships, anyone honestly, I would have to say that's my biggest flaw. I don't like feeling emotions, quite frankly they scare me. I care so much about the ones closest to me, but I can't explain it to people verbally. I try and show it through action. I'm not a very direct person. I'm super passive and avoid conflict at all cost. I always get scared when people yell, and it makes me physically sick. I know you'd never be able to tell because I'm very good at hiding my emotions. My loyalty is unrivaled. I've always been one of those people who would do anything to keep a promise that I made. I struggle a lot with my past—haunted by it almost. The fear of abandonment is daunting to me. Being left to myself as a child a lot of the time, always wondering why I wasn't good enough or what I did wrong to feel this way. I never want my children to feel that way. And I feel like I broke that promise to myself and it hurts. I think about it constantly everyday, wondering what I could've done differently to change that past. You just can't. It's a helpless feeling. Know you've destroyed the one thing that made YOU who you are. I always make the most out of every minute that I get to spend with the people I love, building memories and lifetime accomplishments with those around me—because you never know when it'll be the last time you ever get to see them again.

I feel haunted by those past relationships that have been forced from my life. What could I have done to try and keep those relationships alive? Would have it been worth the pain and struggle to keep moving forward, string both of your hearts along knowing the end would have never been what you had originally imagined for you both? Knowing fully you will never be able to watch them grow, learn, and develop into a beautiful person with a heart of gold. It hurts deep down knowing I'm completely helpless to the situation—nothing to do or say. No actions to be performed to fixed the inevitable fate of the relationship. I'm frustrated with myself with my lack of communication—and I know you can't change someone else's mind with what they think is best for their own destiny or who they choose instead of you. To truly determine within yourself that you gave everything you had into the situation, to make the best possible outcome you thought possible, just to be shoved back down and pushed away hurts. But at the end of the day, you know deep down that you gave it your all to be able to sit back and think to yourself, "Yeah, I'd do it again anyways, no matter how bad it hurt, just to have that same happiness again even though that relationship was its own blank torture."

I feel haunted.

I've never been one to really stand up for myself or my own emotions, but I've never questioned defending someone else's though. If you tried to hurt someone I love, I would snap inside and an uncontrollable fire would spur inside of my body, flushing red rage through my anger-fed veins. It's very unlike me to lose control of my composer, and I'm afraid of this side of my emotions because I don't know how to fully comprehend what I'm feeling inside. And it haunts me.